BLACK SWAN EVENT

 You may not have heard about it.  You probably have never encountered one.  And yet I am sure you have experienced at least one.  A black swan event is one of those unprecedented events which is difficult to predict.  A surprise which can have a major impact on your life.  2022 must be a special year for me as I can think of several from this year.  I never thought I would begin a business at age 65.  Although I frequently reference Colonel Sanders accomplishments and was aware of his good fortune.  KFC-Kentucky Fried Chicken.  He began franchising his famous fried delicacy and his secret seasoning with his meager $105 monthly Social Security check.  I didn't think I would have my nephew live with me either.  AND, I did not know the happiness I would experience once I retired this summer at 65.   I actually planned on retiring in 2023. 

In Aruba, there are black swans in the pool surrounding the restaurant-Ruinas del Mar-at the Hyatt.  I had never seen a black swan and was able to experience them quite close.  The look of the majestic creature and its curved neck with its bright red colored bill was a first for me.  The bright red appears on a fully matured bird as their feathers become a darker black. Many people from all over the globe visit the restaurant and are in awe of their presence.   Most say they never heard of a black swan let alone see one.

And yet black swans do exist.  They are infrequent.  Perhaps something one doesn't fully appreciate until they come face-to-face with their splendor and gracious behavior.  It is most beautiful when there  are offspring trailing in-sync with their much larger parent.  Dominance.  Beauty and unique.  To me, that is a black swan event.  One that brings joy, a smile, and a level of satisfaction I had not encountered.  Perhaps the full effect of the black swan will come with time as the turn of the ticking clock and the final hours of 2022 melt into the New Year of 2023!

SEASONS

Seasons greetings!  'Tis the season!  The season of change.  The season of our time.  The four seasons.  Each of these bring to mind so many different vibes and memories.  How about the season of relationships?  Both business and personal.  Every person experiences relationships which are long or short.  Familial in nature or from afar.  But, did you ever think about a relationship as a season?  

Some seasons are cold and brutal with forceful winds and rains causing us to hold our arms close to our bodies or hot temperatures causing sweat to leak from our pores making the body and mind react in rather uncomfortable ways.  We seek an equilibrium to balance ourselves.  We bundle up for the winds and shed our clothes often seeking shelter for refuge and a more pleasant environment.  Other seasons gradually change and are easier to accept and appreciate.

Relationships are like seasons.  Some can withstand the test of time and endure the onslaught of emotions and extreme variations and changes.  Some relationships can only exist during the most moderate of times.  Familial relationships can make the holidays a most unpleasant time or a most enjoyable and memorable time.  In either case, we carry the past of family to the grave with feelings of hate and remorse or love and tranquility.  

My family had pretty much shut me out when I was in my late twenties.  I was so different from them.  Our parents had divorced in my teenage years.  My siblings grew angry with the residual effects of their split and subsequent marriages to strangers.  My eldest brother could not seem to lead but, to conquer and divide the family and set the tone for decades to come.  Six of us wrestled with who we were and what would become of us.  I eventually reconnected with them almost twenty years later but, I decided the family relationships would be on my terms.  You see, collectively we were incapable of weathering the seasons of our past and could not see far into the future or appreciate our core.  We felt it far easier to turn against one another-choose sides-rather then embrace the divorce and subsequent changes.  

I realized all was okay and came to understand our parents did their best.  THEIR best.  Not what we thought they should have done.  Not everyone can appreciate the bonds of blood and family.  Not everyone can appreciate their work mates or neighbors.  BUT, what I can say unequivocally is I recognize all relationships cannot withstand the test of time or seasons.  I realized I can form a relationship and revisit that relationship in 8 or 10 years and pick up where we left off.  I can form a relationship and a simple phrase or word can destroy decades of friendships.  Relationships are like seasons.  They evolve and come back again in time.  Some relationships die in the extremes and some plant seeds which grow into eternity with the right nutrients and circumstances.  

It is a time of year for rejoicing.  A time to remember.  And, a time to look forward to a new year-a new day.  A fresh start to embrace the upcoming seasons.  A world of new ideas and establishing traditions.  New seasons of change and the seasons of memories and the realization:  not all relationships can withstand the test of time.  They don't have to.

EVALUATE - LEARN FROM YOUR EXPERIENCES

 This is an ongoing one that just does not go away-EVER!   Learning is a process that continues through the lifespan.  I once thought it would stop after I graduated from high school-HA!  No more school, no more text books, or stupid tests.  As an adult it took me quite sometime to really understand the concept of learning.  Learning is not just from texts or from an instructor or teacher.  One of the things I recognized is just how much you learn from observation, doing, and listening to others.

AND, I realized I had not acquired the skills of learning.  No one told me I had to learn to learn.  My particular style of learning is not just reading or listening.  It also includes doing and seeing-observation if you will.  I also came to understand the importance of reading particular topics.  Mostly, I realized I had to recollect my experiences, extrapolate ideas and concepts from them, and decide how I would venture forward with personal, business, and family.  Sometimes, I made repeated mistakes and other times I know the price to pay for a mistake could be critical and careful attention is needed.  

Experience is not something learned in a textbook.  Experience can be forgotten.  Experiences are what enlightens our life, gives us the essence of who we are, and adds to our toolbox of knowledge to make us better as humans.  I took time this week to reflect on my lengthy travel.  At first, I felt as though I had not done very much at all.  I wrote all the things I had accomplished.  The people I met and the purpose for the meetings.  I did a lot more than I realized.  Interestingly enough, I came to the conclusion I could have not accomplished so much WITHOUT experiences from my corporate life.  My success in both my WOW-Women Optimizing Women business and my first novel-Aruba Vacation with Aruba Joe (purchases:  Lulu.com), and being able to create my first website (Barbararingrose.com) are primarily due to the sales, marketing, and extensive educational experiences I have done.

I was able to evaluate my most recent accomplishments, tweak those that needed my attention, and know that they will continue to grow and change.  This learning from experience is non-negotiable and is deep within.  It comes from years of growth and I look forward to so much more.

GIVING UP YOUR POWER

Someone controlling your life requires a major component:   YOU.  To give up YOUR power.  Control means the power to influence or direct peoples behavior or events.  Thinking about this particular topic brings forth a lot of mental images and thoughts too numerous to list.  However, I will focus on the primary topic of giving up your power on a personal level as this is one I feel will have the greatest impact.  You may or may not be able to relate on this level to the extent I once endured.  This may require the extrapolation of your empathy from other hardship experiences or those of others.  Perhaps you had a boss that wanted to force you out of your job or a co-worker that wanted you fired.  Extreme examples would be experiencing the brutal force of someone deliberately trying to push you to the brink of suicide or taking flight to avoid death.  These situations often involve a 'conquer and divide' process which, alienates the victim from family and friends-the support system.  This topic to be covered in another blog.

Giving up your power to the extreme scenario of death is probably something most of us will never experience.  A relationship doesn't start off that way.  He was extremely generous with sending red roses, wining and dining me, taking me on weekend jaunts to Atlantic City, and encouraging me to have a family.  When we met, I did not want children.  I was burdened with taking care of my two younger siblings growing up.  I wanted my freedom.  Alas, he was just that convincing-note:  the 'con'.  Con is a prefix meaning 'with' from Latin.    I would eventually find out he was a 'con-artist'.  I wasn't his only victim.  Others, mainly those close to him, would learn this about him as well.  He had the ability to get you to believe the most bizarre situations.  He had me convinced I could do things I never dreamed of.  Some of those weren't necessarily bad.  He had a way of building my confidence.  Then later, tearing me apart.  He would make me change my mind about having children.   However, the latter I would live to appreciate deeply.  I would never have known deep, true love and sacrifice otherwise.

One day, I looked into the mirror and saw a thin woman.  She had lost at least 30 pounds in a matter of a month.  I realized  I was NOT going to give in to him any more.  On the flip side, his determination of destruction grew.  I  suffered a great deal from the emotional and psychological trauma from his constant onslaught of vicious attacks-all verbal.  Once, he tried to force me off the road at 55 mph.  That was another time I knew I had to pull a strength from within-one I had no knowledge of its existence.  I made it to my destination-shaken and head pounding.  I realized I had just missed an opportunity to meet my maker.  I was not ready for that yet.  My higher power knew.  He gave me that strength.

Interestingly enough, I was attending college and took a course in abnormal psychology. I was given and read a book "The Sociopath Next Door".  I realized I was NOT powerless.   I needed to control my life.  I had both purpose and meaning although he said, while in front of our marriage counselor with a slight hand slap to my head, I was 'not worth a nickel'.  Once he circled me in the kitchen like a predator around a fawn while spewing insults and saying disgusting things toward me. 

I took everything in.  I hurt deeply.  My family abandoned me. Friends were afraid of his wrath and would not visit.  He was good at conquering and dividing us.  Two residential moves later, I realized I was not different than Dorothy.  I only had to click my ruby slippers three times, close my eyes, and repeatedly say "I will not give him my power".  Many times over I found myself thinking about how I had given him the power.  I had handed it to him.  I hadn't fought back.  I lost that somewhere.  He was mean and cruel and hurtful.  His core was broken-not mine.  He was weak-not I.   I had 3 beautiful children to raise.  I realized I was quite valuable and had so much to live for.

There are choices to be made; to remain a victim or become victorious.  To win-to lose.  To strive for better every day.  To slump into the world of anti-depressants or alcohol or worse.  In time, I reversed the automatic negative mindset to one of beauty, success, power, resilience, dedication, devotion, love and intelligence.  It was simply one step at a time-one minute-one day at a time.  Get your power back.  Make the most of you.  Dig deep into your core to pull your strengths from the the depth of your being.  Smile.  We will all notice how proud and confident you are.  

SEEK OTHERS FOR STRENGTH

 We get rather cozy and soft in our areas of familiarity.  Our home, our workplace, the people in our lives.  How do you feel about where you are?  Are you looking to expand?  Meet new people?  Rise to new challenges?  Do the people around you tend to inspire you or bring you down?  Is there a level of frustration you want to overcome and just can't seem to get a firm footing?  Maybe you are feeling you need a bit 'more' such as in the duet with Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper's 'A Star is Born'  -'Do you need more?  Is this something you are searching for?'

If you want to go to a new level, there are plenty of people willing to help you and get to know you.  Interestingly enough, you will also find people are eager to help with gusto.  Step up to the plate and find others in higher positions, engage in more activities, in a higher income bracket, with a higher level of education/experience, someone older/younger, or others willing to mentor you-become a protege.  The ways to meet people both virtually or in person is endless.  Over the past couple of years we've learned about podcasts, conference calls, video calling, and tutorials online.  Even chat groups and self-help tools with instructions.  Stay connected with your target group or individuals.  Keep in mind introductions and referrals are both good for you and the other party.  Don't be shy.  Ask.  Most of us have had similar experiences and I suspect many more will follow in the future.  

People of success enjoy having others seek them out.  That is what they have built themselves on.  A ladder of rungs to reach higher levels and establish additional relationships and revenue.  As your connections grow, your accomplishments become deeper, richer, stronger.  Your confidence improves.  Say what?  You are afraid of public speaking or meeting strangers?  Congratulations!  You are in the company of many.  Experienced public speakers and celebrities have also faced stage fright.  This is a human function of your fight or flight mechanism.  A sensation or urging wells up inside and you feel your legs a bit sluggish.  Your heart races.  You look around and capture the faces of strangers looking in your direction.   It happens.   

Feeling like you don't know how to engage?  Start with a local group, friend, or business associate.  Someone you know and have something in common with.  A person to make the introduction for you.  The taller your ladder grows, the strength and support beneath you grows as well.  I used to get my mind prepared when I left my office or sat in my car perusing the parking lot before going into an office/venue.  I had to pump myself up.  Take in a breath.  Close my eyes.  Tilt my head slightly back and remind myself to breathe.  It was not easy.  There were a few times I drove away.  Got back to my office and sent an email stating I had a personal issue and would need to reschedule.  Yes, I did.

I hated this about myself.  I was better than that.  I wanted to be strong.  'The next time', I thought.  And, thankfully, there was a next time and so many opportunities to meet new people.  Amazing stories flourished of accomplishments within my groups.    Stories of success and 'how to's', links to websites, sharing business cards to schedule future meetings, and the opportunity to learn about the many people and what they did in my community.  There were ample fundraising activities and Chamber events.  I learned to establish trust with those in the community.  I definitely needed more!  I wanted more.  I was longing for strength through change.  

I began doing the right things.  Keeping my commitments.  Saving those business cards.  Showing up and engaging with others.  Building rapport.  Earning trust from those I worked with.  Focusing on listening and trying my best to remember all the wonderful people I spoke with and met; their individual stories.  I am glad to be a part of an amazing community in Westminster, MD in a county of so many riches-not just those a bean counter would tally.  Businesses, wonderful people, and volunteers keep the first rung of the ladder embedded securely in the community of relationships we share!

Lady Gaga, Andrew Wyatt, Anthony Rossomando and Mark Ronson. "Shallow". A Star is Born: Interscope Records, 2018. Soundtrack.DVD

THERAPY - DO I NEED IT?

I was working on my Masters in Counseling at the turn of the century. I THOUGHT this would be a good occupation for me.  I had a wide range of experiences.  I did not have the knowledge or the skills to know what I needed to do next.  I had been involved in different types of counseling on a personal level for a variety of reasons.  I found the sessions-whether group or individual-to be helpful.  Mainly, I felt I had an issue or a problem and needed to resolve it.  I felt I did not have the ability to make the accomplishment on my own.  And, I wanted to help others.  Each of us can determine the right path to follow.  Professional counseling is just one form of therapy.

While reading and meeting with the class and instructors, I didn't feel I had any issues at the time.  We were given a task to make a change-one change-in our life for 30 days.  This was a strategy to understand the combination of a time limit and appreciate the process our future clients would have when we would consult with them.  But, I changed my career path.   I chose a completely different occupation.  I could now apply the skills I had learned on both a personal and educational level to help others with real estate and financing.  I emphasize reading here although audible books are a great tool as well.

In my new occupation, there were ongoing learning processes.  Some were on a monthly, semi-annual, or as needed schedule.  I read and listened to a large variety of authors and topics on 'self-help' methods, critical thinking, and goal setting.   Each author or presenter brought something new to me or reinforced what I was doing.  It felt good to listen to great speakers as they shared their experiences and tools for success.  This was much like therapy and education.  It allowed me to delve into my core beliefs and manifest new skills and enhance the ones I possessed.  Some of the concepts I  used but, expressed in different ways or analogies while building a portfolio of clientele. 

I recognized other forms of therapy like massage, meditation, and exercise were important components to a higher level of thinking and removing negativity while reducing stress.  A wholistic approach of mind and body combined.  Therapy is a self-motivated and self-actualized approach with a variety of ways to improve your individual value.  You will gain confidence and knowledge of who you are and what your purpose is.  You will find the ability to interact with others becomes less stressful.  Your ability to lead by example is recognized.  As a support for others you will find;  'when you are okay they will be okay.'

PERSEVERANCE

 The challenges and struggles of daily life are variables each one of us encounter.  Planning and goal setting are two methods to use to evaluate our success over time.  But, it is perseverance to strive for those methods which we rely on to achieve success.  Be aware there are changes occurring on an ongoing bases.  Practices, protocols, employee staffing, and service trends are evolving.  Working from home added a new level of adaptation for some and met with open arms by others.

I took on several major changes this year.  Retirement (YAHOO!), starting a business, and publishing my first book-ARUBA VACATION WITH ARUBA JOE.  Some say I did not retire but, refocused.  Perhaps.  Retirement took months to coordinate with the paperwork and setting up income streams.  The business is a fun and exciting extension of a women's networking group I started in 2012 to be launched in 2023, and the book began in August of 2009 after a family vacation in July to be released in the next couple of weeks.  Perseverance is the key factor in all three of these major accomplishments.  It takes self-control, planning, and coordination.

I pulled my energy, resources, and talents developed over the past several decades to get these projects to this level.  All the while collecting the skills and compounding the rewards of hard work and dedication.  Remaining focused on streamlining processes and finding solutions.  A part of this was keeping records and folders of accomplishments and tasks to better equip myself.

There were many stepping stones culminating in a pathway leading me to this point.  I continue laying stones for my future.  Setting them in place.  Creating a border while knowing there will be twists along the way and the framework may need adjusting periodically.  I forge forward, looking back from time-to-time to enjoy the past and re-learn what I may have temporarily forgotten.  

Nothing is forever.  Times will be difficult.  Time is what we have plenty of.  Failures, poor judgment, rejection, and bad decisions are all part of the learning process.  There are endless opportunities lying ahead.  Stay steadfast on the basics while giving every day your best.

ELEVATOR-FROM THE TOP

 You talk about stress!  Stress overload started for me in my late twenties.  I had migraine headaches, worked 24/8-yes, it felt like I worked 8 days a week.  I would later enter into one of the most stressful occupations:  mortgage lending.  Coping with the periods of high anxiety, long work days, and tending to a house, children, and an education was like balancing china plates on a high wire.  Sometimes, my balance faltered and a plate or two would drop.  There always seemed to be an ample supply of plates to replace or surpass the previous cluster.

This became my comfort spot in life.  Having a lot of plates to juggle.  I needed help to keep my sanity and not allow the stress to compound into unhealthy and problematic issues.  I learned several techniques.  One of those forms of techniques was to visualize my body as an elevator with 10 floors-the 10th floor is the top of my head and the first floor is the soles of my feet.  I divided my body-somewhat like the 7 Chakras from the inner traditions of Hinduism-into 10 levels.  

The 10th floor is the location of the stress and starting point.  This is where the mind is fixated on multiple ideas, concepts, and challenges all bouncing around in tandem with one another.  They create conflict, solve problems, require attention, and organization.  The brain, much like a computer, can run on multiple levels.  While major bodily functions are working without your even thinking about them, other brain skills are at work and used.  Some bodily functions are autonomous like:  regulating breathing, heartrate, blood pressure, digestion, and sexual desire.  You also have the ability to use your mind to change some of them.  And, with practice slow them down to decrease the stress to avoid an overload which, can put you completely out of commission.

Like all forms of exercise, learning, and skills the elevator works best when practiced.  A quiet location is helpful but, not necessary and may not be available.  Use good posture to allow even, unrestricted air flow with back straight and feet placed firmly on the floor, shoulders lowered, and chin at a 90 degree angle from the floor or slightly lowered.  Arms at your side or resting on the arms of your chair.  Eyes are to be closed. Do not cross your legs, ankles, or arms.  Keep your body and mind open.   I suggest taking 10-15 minutes to work through the session.  Consistency is key.  Light music may be helpful but, could cause a distraction.  At each level, acknowledge where you are internally.  Pause for a minute or two before moving downward.  Slowly.  Don't race through it.  Elevator can be done anywhere.

Practice provides faster relief from the stress.  Hydration is important.  By the time I get midway in my process, I can usually feel the difference.  My breathing slows down.   I am more calm.  I no longer have the high level of anger or frustration.  I am aware of my breathing-the fan softly spinning overhead.  There is less white static behind my closed eyelids.  I have even fallen asleep.  That's ok, too! I have also noticed my mind becomes open to other ideas.  The main takeaway:  get in control of your mind and introduce it to your body and create your inner balance.  They make a great team.

SO - YOUR APPOINTMENT CANCELLED

There are so many obstacles and changes in a daily schedule.  Not just changes with you but, with everyone else.  It's not just about your schedule-your time-your day.  When someone cancels an appointment with you-hopefully, they have given you ample notice-you have a few choices to modify your schedule.  When this has happened to me, I had quite a few different responses.  

One response was frustration.  Especially, when I had gone through great strides to accommodate the appointment.  Another, was relief.  There have been times when I had way too many appointments scheduled for the day and too little time planned to do work.  The worst of situations has been when someone didn't reach out to me to let me know they were unable to meet as agreed.  OR, when I have traveled a long distance wasting valuable time.  BUT, what I have also learned-much like other forms of communications with others-the responsibility partly falls on my shoulders.  

This may be a bit difficult to swallow but, I feel my schedule is MY responsibility.  The week before an appointment or the day before is a great time to reach out to confirm the appointment time.  It is also an opportunity to get an update of the event or add/delete an idea-maybe change the agenda.  There may be something you learned in the interim to be able to share some knowledge or information.  Reminder emails or phone calls or texts come in handy-depending on your other parties form of communication and what works best for them.  When scheduling the appointment, ask the other party what form on communication they prefer.  This detail can save you both time and aggravation as well as show the other party you have an interest in them.  This small investment in the beginning of a relationship can pay off as the relationship develops.

When the appointment cancellation is acknowledged, this may also open a new opportunity.  Check the rest of your appointments.  Is there another appointment you can schedule or a phone conversation or introduction you can make?  Take a look at that last appointment of the day to move it up to the time you now have open. OR, is this a gift of time for your advantage: to make a lunch date, sit outside, enjoy the weather and take a walk?  

 The cancellation can open the door for something unplanned-a bit out of your ordinary day.  A cancellation can provide an opportunity to end your day early to spend time with friends, family, or get the car washed.    Perhaps this is your appointment with self you have been overlooking for far too long.  Take advantage of your new found time-embrace it and enjoy it.  You are so deserving!

FOLLOW UP

 There are many forms of communication available to us.  Technology has given us a selection to choose from. The internet, phone, computer, social media, texting, as well as sending note cards by mail-take your pick.  Lately, I have been choosing the latter.  When I started my women's networking business this year, I fully understood the concept of  branding my company and myself.  I used the logo created about 10 years ago-before I knew I was starting W.O.W-Women Optimizing Women, LLC-to design a business card with my mission statement.  I found the perfect pre-made note card and added my mission statement.  They are both unique to me and lets the recipient know who I am at a glance.  I like to send the note card after meeting someone or put my business card inside of a letter.  

 Following up after an appointment, a settlement, receiving a gift, or visiting with friends or relatives shows you care and they are appreciated.  The value of the personalized note card is priceless.  I saved so many of the ones I received throughout the years.  I know they are heartfelt and sincere.  After I retired, I gathered the cards and spread them  across my dining room table to re-read and view.  I remembered every, single one of the people and their transaction.  It gave me great pride to have helped them and get to know them and their family-even their pets!

Regardless of the form of communication used, it provides a message stressing the value of another's time and their relevance to you.   The message should be short and easy to decipher.  If you have bad handwriting, either print the note card or use another form of contact.  Text when you have arrived to an appointment or after the appointment as a quick follow up.  Timing is important as well.  My general rule of thumb is to send the card within 24 hours of the event-no later than 72 hours.  I also like to select postal stamps of significance such as the LOVE, orchid, or flag stamps.  They mean a lot to me.

Even after a personal visit with friends or family let them know you made it home safely so they don't have to worry about you; particularly, when the weather is a bit nasty or the hour is late.  When friends or family leave our home, I generally ask them to text me  they when arrive home safely.  We live farther away from most of our family and friends.  The drive is at least an hour for many who visit.  I do the same after I arrive home.  It gives us peace of mind as I am sure it does the same for them.  It only takes a few minutes/moments to show how much others mean to you and your business.

SHOW UP ON TIME

 Have you scheduled a meeting/event and had to wait to get started because the attendees had not shown up?  Had the meeting/event begun and late stragglers entered the room/Zoom and started chatting to the group as someone was speaking?  Have you been late for a meeting/event?  Gotcha!  I don't know of anyone that could honestly answer 'no' to any one of these situations.  I would definitely say 'yes' to all three-guilty! I understand the rationale for being on time.

THAT is precisely why I chose to bring this into the forefront as we are slipping away from protocols and etiquette.  Show respect for the presenters time.   The attendees time.  Respect.  That may sound a bit odd for some.  Without respect and consideration for others where are we as a society?  

I recently left the corporate world.  Mergers and acquisitions  became an expectation for employees.  In-boxes were full of emails from everywhere.  Business includes so many layers of governmental regulation and even policy changes due to societal events. Changes some would say were for the worse-some better due to technology.  One thing did not change.  The importance of showing up on time.  Attending a meeting either virtual or physical a few minutes ahead of the start time was encouraged.

I was forced to work from home.  Much like the rest of our world, I engaged with other groups/committees/businesses in on-line meetings.  I realized  people did not appreciate the concept of being on time.  Worse yet some appeared disheveled, in bathrobes and laughed about it, and some-came late.  Some had children crawling over them.  You get my point-you have been there.  Be mindful of those scheduled commitments.  

For those coordinating: be  mindful of not just the start but end time.  If traveling and attending in person, allow an additional 15 to 30 minutes drive time.  Start the Zoom a few minutes early to make sure you have a good connection.  Set up email reminders or enter an alarm on your cell phone. AND, if needed-contact someone if you are going to be late as soon as you are aware.  They do not need your excuses.  Be brief.   Others are counting on your help/input/expertise.

IT TAKES ONE-- LEAD BY ONE

 Recently, I posted 'IT TAKES TWO'.  This writing takes on a very different topic of one-Y O U.  What can I do you ask?  A lot.  Growing up I was constantly told very negative things from my parents. Quite personal in nature.  Rather debilitating.  And, the most uncomplimentary of comments.  The neighborhood adults recited the same thing to keep the neighborhood children in line such as: speak when you are spoken to, children should be seen and not heard, or do unto others as you would want them to do unto you.
I pause here.  Deliberately.  To take on what was going on as I grew up in the Maryland suburbs.  As an adult now, those sayings were felt to be effective and drive home a point and give us limits and reminders of acceptable behaviors.  As a child then, they meant something different to me.  Especially, if I heard them too often.  Sometimes, stating something repeatedly can build a character or generate low self worth.  The tone used in a saying or statement can cause the recipient to feel 'less than'.  I understood the difference between acceptable adult and child conversation.  Like when I went to my grandmom's house and was asked to go outside and play-they wanted to have 'adult conversation.'  
When reaching adulthood, I realized my parents did the best they could.  Truly.  Just like I do the best I can every day.  One day my best may not be my best of another day.  But, it was my best.  My best may not be the best as viewed by another person or vice versus.  A perception based on what is relative and what the experiences are from our past or from the teachings/morays/laws of the community.
As an adult, the option to lead by example rather than speak the same cliches or sayings emerged.  I learned you can show people how to behave.  You can extend a hand of introduction.  You can smile over the phone-the recipient of the conversation or message hears it.  Stand with your body toward an open door or a group of people as opposed to having your back toward others.  Nod or raise your hand toward someone you recognize across the room accompanied by a smile.  Others see what you do.  Others take note and emulate your actions.  Walk your family or guests to the door or to their car when they leave your home.  Hug people.  
Set yourself apart from others.  Your openness, your smile, your actions and your behaviors are what people see.  Mental images process in the brain quickly. Images will remain far longer than the actual words spoken. The brain internalizes these behaviors through imaging.  Another saying: 'a picture is worth a thousand words.' Invented by Fred R Barnard in 1921 for advertising-attributed to an ancient Japanese philosopher.  Believe me you!
 
 

 

ARGUMENTATIVE PEOPLE

 We all have to deal with argumentative people.  I was recently told I have this issue.  Whether I agree with the person who committed me of such a crime isn't actually relevant. Of course, I stated I beg to differ as I did not know of any prior altercations.  I also did not press the issue as there was another person present.  It was an unfortunate situation.  One thing I can say with certainty; some people express what and who they are capable of outwardly toward others.   A deflective measure and also known as mirror imaging.  They verbalize TO you what THEY are.  There are people who will argue a rather obvious fact.  

I had been complaining about an issue with a close friend practically every time we spoke.  During one of our conversations, my friend changed the subject as I was in mid-stream of my usual rant.  At first, I was taken aback and a bit insulted.  Later, I reflected on her tactful effort and was glad she did.  My tongue was dried up of the complaining. 

I recently commented about the sky getting gray and the temperature was beginning to decrease as the wind increased.  It was a statement of fact.  It was the beginning of a change in weather pattern from warm to cool.   All parties sitting on the back patio were experiencing the same change.   However, one party spoke up stating 'I don't think so.'  There is usually the obvious.  Someone is unknowingly argumentative or disagreeable even though other parties can see or feel or know something different. 

There are also different degrees of this type of personality trait.  When the argumentative personality enters the room or conversation, everyone takes note and some will sit patiently until the moment or event passes as they don't want to appear rude to others if they got up and walked away.  The air feels heavy.  The mood of the people in the room changes.  One can almost feel the tension in the room-touch it...grasp it.  The argumentative person wants to engage in spirited discussion to the point of anger and hostility.  They don't seem to care whether they are upsetting anyone and usually find a target to hammer their point of view.  I wonder if their tongue ever dries up causing serious dehydration.  

Some of us became isolated, sheltered during times of shuttering in place, or working from home.  We can easily lose our ability to communicate.  The communication skills and conversation stimulate our brain and allow us to learn how to be a part of our family, our community, and our workplace.  Dialogue, even though it may be strained or restricted to some degree, is crucial to our health and well being.  

How does one handle the argumentative person when there is no way to avoid the situation?  Ultimately, you have choices.  You can diffuse the person by changing the subject as quickly as possible.  You can leave the room.  You can choose not to attend a gathering if knowing the person will be in attendance or shorten your stay-limiting your exposure.  Perhaps, you can ask the person if they wouldn't mind having the discussion on a one-on-one basis at a later time or in another place.  And, you can always do your best to ignore them.  I find one of the best responses at the onset or within a reasonable point where the conversation is strictly one-sided and is having a negative impact on myself or the attendees is to simply state that the discussion is over and even saying, 'perhaps it is a good idea to change the subject.'  Better yet, change the subject at the first opportunity.  That is adult-like and certainly non-threatening.

Collectively, we have a wide range of view points and topics for discussion.  This is how we learn from one another.  This is how we understand how people think and where their thoughts, ideas, and feelings come from.  Our lives would become rather mundane if we shut down the dialogue or did not take the time to listen to one another.  After experiencing a situation-regardless of what side of the conversation you partake-spend a moment to reflect on how you handled the situation.  You are in control of one person - just ONE - yourself.  

IT TAKES TWO-ME AND YOU

 Sonny and Cher were a trendy young couple in the the early 1970's.  They had a comedy hour and the title of this blog was the theme of one of their songs.  Well, it took two to make their relationship and it took the two of them to end it.  The responsibility of the relationship relies on both parties; it is not one sided.  Each participant is to take the blame for a fight or unsettled quarrel or celebrate the successes.  When we are under the social microscope or under pressure the intensity of a situation may be magnified.  Certain circumstances may drive an elevated response such as pressure from the family to get married or a birth/death/change of employment/new home.  

These are all life experiences and most of us will understand the relevance of the need to be prepared; especially, if a situation was not handled as well as we would have liked in hindsight.  How can you prepare for a birth or a death?  My fingers actually stopped hitting the keyboard on this one.  The honest answer; you cannot.  No more than you can prepare for a lengthy hospital stay or an unforeseen accident.  Rightly so. BUT, you can take responsibility for those situations you have control in.

Working together when an incident/quarrel or other event in relationships is key.  I re-met my current husband and he is a true gentleman.  Most of the times.  He knows I mean this.  He has a short-fuse (he's come a long way-trust me!) and doing a project can be a challenge.  After we first started living together, we would cook dinner together, have a few drinks, play music, and dance in the kitchen.  It was a lot of fun!  BUT, as time passed and the reality of living together and sharing the domestic interior and exterior projects became somewhat habitual we ran into some issues.  We could not work together.  He became angry because I didn't put something on the 'right' shelf and I stormed off leaving him to finish the task.  It was unpleasant and I fumed over this for days.  I doubt he did.  He was happy to work alone.

Eventually, and this took time, we could paint in a room together for hours on end or dig up the back yard to prepare for an amazing garden.  He is more of the laborer than I and I am the planner and organizer.  I designed our great room-a 520 square foot addition and he did the drawing to present to the county.  I over-saw and ran the day to day construction and expenses and he helped the contractors and finished the work they never came back to complete.  It took both of us-together-with our different set of skill sets to complete the projects.  

We learned.  We took time to not just argue but, to talk about the issues and there were times we 'agreed to disagree'.  I bet that is something you seldom hear about or even say these days.  It's either someone is right or someone is wrong.  No.  There are different ways of thinking.  There are different ways of doing.  There is mostly the same thoughts for success.  The core of each of us is quite similar to one another.  We thrive when we work together-you and me.

DOWN SHIFT

 Some people will not relate to the concept of the term 'down shift' first hand.  Maybe because they never experienced driving a manual transmission in a vehicle, drove a tractor, or a mini-bike.  I have.  I began learning to shift a vehicle when I was in the eighth grade although I had ridden mini-bikes and drove tractors by age 11.  I was seeing a young man-we were going steady and I wore his 'ID' bracelet- who drove a Volkswagen Beetle.  A 'punch buggy' as my children refer to them.  And, some of the more seasoned readers will remember a movie called The Love Bug from 1977 featuring a cute version of the car.  The Volkswagen I learned to shift on was a 4 speed; the higher the gear-the faster you could go and vice versus.  You start out in first gear.  I have had several manually driven vehicles and my favorite was a brand new 1993 Mazda RX-7; a 5 speed, turbo with rotary engine.  It was blue with a sun roof.  I named him Michael.  Loved that car! 

I learned the importance of downshifting as opposed to using the brakes to slow down or when I approached a wet or snowy surface to avoid sliding or a possible accident.  It also saved on gas-the car got about 18 miles per gallon in the city which, is where I drove it most.  Downshifting gave me the ability to avoid potential errors in life too.  Let me explain.  The day can quickly get out of control.  A meeting detains you longer than you originally planned.  The multiple appointments you scheduled for the remainder of the day are now in jeopardy.  They are all important.  But now, you realize you have to decide how to reschedule.  Your mind flips inside out as you think about each appointment and the person you know or want to get to know.  Like frames of a film, the visions of each appointment quickly pass through your brain and you find yourself in a bit of a panic.  Maybe you become angry with the person in control of the meeting and curse them.  Getting angry doesn't help.  You cannot think clearly,

AHHH!  It is time to down shift.  You need to be able to re-review your appointments with discretion.  Slow down...down shift.  To avoid making an already uncomfortable situation worse, look at each appointment and put them in some sort of order.  This won't take long.  Perhaps you can number them by importance or by physical distance and map them out in your mind or on a piece of paper.  Suggestion:  if you reschedule just the next appointment, you can remain on schedule for the remaining appointments.  Perhaps making the next appointment the last one of the day-down shift.

Put your shift in the proper perspective-this is not brain surgery.  No one will die as a result of a schedule change.  Remain focused once you have completed the change.  Do not go back and hurl violent thoughts toward yourself or any other person.  It's a waste of energy.  You only have so much fuel in  your tank to get you through the day and you want to make sure your day ends safely and without any further incident.  Keep your foot on the gas and go with confidence!

COACHING

 I worked in the corporate world for over 20 years.  Coaching became a 'thing'.  Managers were coerced to have periodic consultations with their employees to view their performance, make suggestions, and offer 'coaching' to aid and assist them in any areas they needed to improve upon.  I say 'coerced' because the managers would sometimes comment to me about the coaching aspect of their jobs; it was not a task they were enthusiastic about.  Some managers provided boring data or power point presentations as they did a verbal recap of each page at each meeting.  I learned a few things.  A good manager can obtain great results through consistency, honesty, providing valuable updates, and new programs and knowing the details and mechanics of his team.  Allowing the team to provide their input works.  Managers are not necessarily leaders.  A little humility can help, too.

Coaching became a thing in the business world, too.  The executives of large corporations brought in mentors and consultants and inspirational speakers to chat about topics for prospecting, servicing, and inspiring their managerial staff and high-level performers.  I guess they didn't think the rest of the team was worthy.  Sales people set up regular coaching seminars and consultation to get them on track for increased sales or help with their closings.  Closings are when you are working with a client in sales and you succeed with a completed transaction.  Ratios are formulated; the difference between the referrals/prospects and closed transactions.  In my line of work, mortgage, the fall-out ratio was of particular importance i.e. how many of them did not get to closing versus the number of loan applications that did. 

I also learned coaching requires patience and time.  Working with people, I have been on one side or the other.  I have needed help. Requested help. Got some help.  Now, I have the tools to use what I have learned from other people as well as my own experiences.  I am confident and yet know I have so much more to learn and look forward to future connections and opportunities.  

I had a woman, actually two, whom were part of my women's networking group.  Both had lost their husbands due to illness and both had to continue with the business as it was their primary source of income.  The women met through my networking events.  Consulted with me periodically.  And, became friends and sought out the help and camaraderie of other professional business women in the group.  Through thick and thin they learned and grew.  One of the women recently sold her business for a profit which enabled her to retire and move to a more suitable home closer to family.  The other woman has managed to add different products and increase her profits.  Coaching is in different forms.  The formula remains much the same.  Shared knowledge and support along with the acceptance of the challenge equals positive outcomes.

Know and understand coaching requires dedication, empathy, and a systematic approach.  There are many options and opportunities on-line as well.  There are coaching specialists for specific types of goals from experts in the industry such as increasing real estate sales or car sales.  There are books written by coaches or podcasts which can be used during the quiet/learning period of your work week.  There are usually fees for coaching services.  The expense will range and can fit your budget and availability.  Your diligence, your fortitude, your drive to learn-to-learn will be rewarded in time.  Focus.  Learn.  Listen.  Lead by example.

OPTIONS: HOMEOPATHIC, PRESCRIPTION, DRUGS OR ALCOHOL-TAKE HEED

This is a topic that is quite near and dear to me as most of us can relate. It's deep and quite personal with me.  You see, I lost family members due to over use of prescription and street drugs.  We have a lot of both scientifically created and naturally based options to help us with anything from a mere sniffle or allergic reaction to brain trauma or a genetically pre-dispositioned disease.  The sources for comfort, cure, and solutions are wide ranging.   Our country offers the best in the world for medical treatment, a wide range of insurances, and the option to select the type of doctor or specialist to help us.  In addition to standard medicine, we have alternative medicine such as acupuncture, homeopathy, and Chinese or Oriental medicine.  Ancient cures like your typical aloe houseplant.  Or, vinegar.  Standard medicine is widely used and accepted and is scientifically based.  Most people use some form of alternative medicine in conjunction with standard medicine.  

My purpose for writing a bit on this topic is just to provide some of my thoughts of the most recent past and get it out there for consideration.  THIS is a tough topic in that I realize people have strong opinions and can provide a compelling justification-even fearful in nature-to get others to buy into their theory or line of reasoning.   The most recent conflict of prescription use was COVID.  I stand my ground on the biology of the human immune system.  Our system to recognize the intruding illness and build an internal army to protect from future attacks.  I also understand the use of various vaccines and boosters, the economic impact, the ones who benefited, as well as the unfortunate who passed from the virus.  God rest their souls.  

We saw an insurgence of alcohol and drug use from COVID and isolation.  Alcohol sales increased.  We self-medicated and had more time to indulge in our favorite libations since we were working from home.  If I recall correctly, the sale of alcohol was not shuttered during COVID's voracious outbreak.  Our country experienced over 100,000 deaths from opioid use from April of 2020 to the same time in 2021.  The FBI seized records and office equipment of 'pill mills'.  One local practice I knew of.  The low-cost and availability of drugs, alcohol, and even street sales of pharmaceuticals surged.  Help was limited.  Counseling programs shut down.  Hospital visits for psychological treatment rose. Suicide rates soared.  Rage and anger destroyed our cities.  People were hurt.  Businesses burned to the ground.  Tragic.

My brother's death was way before the surge of substance abuse during COVID.  He died on November 9th of 2004 from a lethal cocktail of Xanax and Oxycodone.  I tried to tell him he would get into trouble.  His response; 'if the doctor prescribes it to me, it must be okay.  You don't know what you are talking about.' He became extremely anxious when he drove into road construction on his way to meet me.  He said he got so upset from having to wait his turn on the single-lane road he had to pop a Xanax.  That was in September-just before his untimely death.  His wife was well aware of his usage.  She was on anti-depressants and received disability due to her insistence of her inability to drive the highway to get to work-it caused her extreme anxiety.  After her third application for disability, she received it.  She slept on the sofa most days-her mother came to the house to help with their two sons.  

Homeopathic methods emerged with more people looking for alternative solutions using natural herbs  as they feared the repercussion of addiction and physical harm to their body.  CBD oil usage has climbed.  Legal Marijuana sales are doing well.   Acupuncture is covered by medical insurance and even Medicare now.  Burning white sage has become popular to cleanse the house of negativity.  Crystals are used during Reiki-a Japanese method to restore positive energy.   Yoga and meditation books and practice has also risen.   In-home gyms have become quite popular.

People are looking for relief in just about any way possible for any reason and try and sample what is available to them.  What makes sense to them. What is affordable to them.  AND, what justifies their needs.  As I listen to my podcasts, read a book, or search for self-help remedies I feel I know what is best for me.  I listen to my doctors.  I question their recommendation when appropriate.  I research information from multiple sources to determine what is best for ME. And, consult with friends to hear what they are doing for help.  I listen and learn.  Live in good health and know:  you have options.

COUNSELING-IS IT FOR ME?

Like most of you, I have had my shares of ups and downs.  I was first introduced to bio-feedback counseling by my neurologist after a horrible migraine which, lasted a total of 9 months.  At age 26, the event, recovery, and process was difficult.  I still have vivid memories.  The symptoms varied and were intermittent.  I had tingling in my hands and arms, my face would look Bell's-Palsy-ish at times.  My tongue felt like it had enlarged twice it's size making speech difficult.  My vision was impaired; I saw some rather unusual spiked images-like floaters-which, resembled little Pac Man's scurrying around.  All of this spanned a period of 6 months, a ten day visit to the hospital, and a 3 month recovery at home.

At that time, the word 'counseling' meant you had a problem.  A mental issue.  And, you engaged the services of a psychiatrist or psychologist to talk to and pay them for their time.  It seemed like an expensive conversation.  I had girlfriends to talk to.  We could talk over a couple of  beers and laugh and cry and the world seemed much better the next day.  Problem solved; at least for until the next argument with boyfriend/husband, family member, or co-worker occurred.

Well, I gained an entirely different view of counseling when I started bio-feedback.  I learned to use my mind to control my body.  It took time and practice.  Surprisingly; it worked!  Bio-feedback remains a  part of my life. 

I ended up in marriage counseling a couple of times.  After 3 or 4 visits, the pastoral counselors told us my spouse was just not interested in salvaging the marriage and did not see any reason to continue.  Another counselor, suggested I continue counseling on a one-on-one basis with him as there was not any interest from my spouse.  That was a blow to my ego, heart, and marriage.  I continued therapy; we divorced.

I have attended counseling with a local agency, engaged in a women's group therapy, and sought a business counselor/coach as I moved on in life.  All of which were quite helpful.  I still seek 'girlfriend' therapy and find them both helpful and inexpensive.  Usually over dinner, lunch, or phone works well for me.  

I also thought I would become a counselor myself.  I was about two thirds of the way through the master's program when I realized I didn't like labeling people and I didn't care  for some of the 'textbook' techniques and theories.  I learned I have a cognitive behavioral mindset.  My focus is on thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes and how they can change your patterns of behavior.  I also realized I am good with people and enjoy working with them on finances, real estate, and business.  

The question of counseling-is it right or wrong for me?-is to be pondered.  Consider it.  There are also on-line counselors for the type of counseling you want to pursue-right from the comfort of your own home while you sip your favorite beverage, in your favorite chair, with your bunny slippers keeping your feet cozy.  You have options.  And, yes, the girlfriend/boyfriend option is usually available as well.

EXPECTATIONS TO RESULTS

 Setting the right expectations for the results you want is a multi-step process.  It requires a clear path from point A to point B knowing there may be obstacles in the way and having a back up plan or additional strategy to get back on track.  Take advantage of setting aside creative mind or quiet time to focus.  Really focus.  On the end result.  Start backward if you want.  Include an accountability partner within the business or a close associate you may network well with.  

 For instance; there are 90 days to a quarter of the year-give or take a few days in the business world and depending on what your actual calendar looks like.  You want 100 new clients a quarter.  You have 90 days.  You know not all of your contacts, appointments, or phone conversations will result in a new client.  Some prospective clients may take several follow up communications.  Find out what type of communication your client prefers i.e. email, text.  

Scheduling is important.  Mondays and Fridays may be better days to do work.  Whereas, Tuesday through Thursday for business calls.  Allow yourself sufficient time.  I recently went to a local street in a small town notorious for the type of client I wanted to get to know and add to my contact information.  I knew 80% of the small businesses were a good fit for my business.  I reviewed and inquired about the local businesses beforehand.  I physically visited the businesses - that's the type of rapport I want to build - face-to-face.  Although some of the businesses were closed or required an appointment, the majority of the business owners were available and quite accommodating and engaging.  Each visit took approximately 30 minutes.  I even purchased a dress from one of them for my next community event!  REMEMBER YOUR BUSINESS CARDS!

I sent thank you notes out the very next day to the people I spoke with.  I emailed the rest and made an introduction.  I will follow up in a few days for the ones I emailed.  Each receptive prospect was added to my data  base for future communications and appointments.  Each week, I will reach out to 10  business owners in different areas.  My focus is 10.  I like the number.  I can make 10 calls a day.  I can meet 10 clients a day.  I can go to several networking functions a week and focus on acquiring 10 new contacts.  I also know my goal is subject to change as I grow and have referrals from my clients. 

Set the right expectations.  Years ago, I worked in a nursing home.  We were always short-staffed.  I was assigned 14-16 elderly clients over an 8 hour shift to wash, feed twice, provide a snack, get them ready for the dining room, AND take a 30 minute lunch with two 10 minute breaks for myself.  A comfortable level was 7-8 elderly folks.   It was chaotic and impossible to meet every task for every client.  There was little assistance from other staff when you needed it-they had the same problems.  

My point:  as you schedule your day/week/month/quarter and other goals your expectations should provide sustainable growth and results.  Review the results.  Do the expectations reflect the results?  What is needed to maintain the level of production to get the results you seek?  Keep records.  Perhaps using a CRM-Customer Relationship Management company to link to your website/portal may eliminate a lot of data entry and free up precious time to do other tasks to build your business.

VOLUNTEERISM

 All of us need help at some point in our lives.  Some of us need help more frequently as a result of physical, financial, or medical reasons.  I needed help and at one point in my life, I thought suicide was an answer.  I was as low as one could be.  My mind would not move forward.  I kept thinking negative thoughts.  I had little adult guidance in my formidable teen years.  If there were two choices and one of them was wrong, I chose the wrong one tossing caution to the wind.  I managed to survive-death was not what God wanted for me.  He knew better.  I would later recognize I was rebellious by nature.  I needed to do things my way.  I found some happiness and became thankful, grateful, and ate a huge serving of humble pie.

God tested me yet another time.  I was indigent with 3 children.  Lost practically everything I owned including my joy.  Luckily, the priest at our church witnessed first-hand what I was enduring and referred me to a shelter assisted and run by volunteers.  The stigmatism of being in that type of situation didn't enter my mind.  I didn't worry about what others thought.  My children and I were living in a safe and secure environment, and I could continue to attend college.  I had already started taking a class or two a semester focusing on employment in the medical field.  

Volunteers for massage, medical and GYN, tutoring, professional counseling, diet and meal planning, and even financial help was provided.  A savings account was set up for each participant with county funds deposited each month we stayed in the program.  Clothing was donated from the church's parishioners.  I still have and wear a navy-blue velvet coat as a memento.   Volunteers provided their time during the day for support.  Paid staff monitored and lived at the facility in the late evening to the early morning.  The volunteers had so much energy, patience, and devout caring for the women and children in the shelter.  It was meant to be a 3-to-5-year process.  I was their first candidate for the program in August of 1994.   I left in 10 months.

I was selected by the Director of Social Services to serve on the Advisory Board in Carroll County as the first public recipient to hold a position on the board.  I was still healing from the many emotional and mental wounds.  I was introduced and nurtured by volunteers of the community and accepted as an equal.  I became a volunteer; a volunteer to help make decisions-important decisions for the local community.

After receiving my bachelor's degree in biology and becoming employed, I began donating both my time and money back to the community in a variety of ways.  I had been clueless about volunteering and witnessed the strength, power, and selflessness of the kind acts of volunteers.  I continue to help and support various non-profits.  I give unconditionally to others in need of kindness.  You see, there is always a story within a person.  You may see a successful or strong person but, they have evolved from multiple layers of experiences.  Some can overcome the bad ones.  Some can take a rebellious behavior of self-destruction and realize the same rebelliousness can do good.  Not just for themselves, but for others.

BRAIN SLAPPING

 Years ago, when I was in my mid-twenties, I was succumbed by migraines.  The migraine headaches were intense.  Electrical impulses of pain seared through my brain and caused my eyes to hurt.  My speech was affected and would become slurred.  Part of my face would droop a bit-a temporary paralysis.  I would reach for the phone to notify someone for help and could not dial the number I knew all too well.  My mind was clear.  The brain could not send the right message to my fingers.  The effects could last for days.  There were times I laid in bed, the thick curtains drawn closed, and did my best to fall asleep to escape the intense pain.  This may sound bizarre-I forced myself to vomit from the turbulence in my stomach. The acids built up to a high level.  I actually felt relief once I vomited.  It took me days to get back to normalcy-to a time I was no longer exhausted from the migraines' wrath.

After having a 6-month long migraine I spent 10 days in the hospital. Two things were discovered by the head neurologist: a misconfiguration of blood vessels at the base of my skull-a genetic pre-disposition, and the realization dye used in the angiogram to find out about the blood vessels caused an allergic response.  A neurosurgeon was consulted; there was nothing the medical staff could do.  The dye propelled me into one of the worst migraines of all time.  The neurologist recommended biofeedback and meditation.  It took me 3 months to totally recover.  I could not even drive for a period of time. Thank goodness I had long-term disability insurance with my employer.

The biofeedback and meditation training spanned over the next couple of months.  Several techniques were taught to me.  One was to focus on sending blood from my heart, to brain, and to several extremities. A finger thermometer was used to take and measure my pre-and post-temperature.   With time, I learned to increase my blood flow and my body temperature.  Another exercise was to envision my body as an elevator-the head as the tenth floor and the soles of my feet as the first.  I sit with my back against the chair, shoulders back, feet flat on the floor.  I relax and focus on slowing my breathing and envisioning my stress point at the top of my head and slowly move it southbound. I went from floor ten to nine and so forth.  During the process, I learned to eliminate some stressful thoughts. I learned to calm my thoughts and take control of them.  I learned to close my eyes and eliminate all external sounds like the bedroom clock or the sound of the refrigerator in the kitchen.

After biofeedback therapy had been completed, and with my subsequent practice, I coined the phrase 'brain slapping.'  Brain slapping is the process of eliminating a constant or recurring thought upon its early entry of thought.  Once a negative thought surfaces, causes me frustration, or unhappiness I replace it with a calm thought or a recent pleasant experience.  To take a mental aspect of your body transforming it into a physical process for the elimination of a thought.    Perhaps you can relate when you have a nagging thought or post argument dialogue replays over and over again.  The thoughts can go on endlessly with no resolution.  The depth of frustration and anger can be self-defeating even debilitating.  Not only did brain slapping help me with migraines but, I began using it when I had an argument or disagreement with someone.  I also use it when something bothers me like a news item I heard or when I have a problem I just cannot resolve.  This requires practice; like a physical exercise to strengthen your muscles.

The reasons, the causes, the effort, and the results will vary.  In the beginning, I was a bit dismayed with my results and it was quite difficult to focus and remove the external noises.  Brain slapping is a habitual, self-help mindset.  It requires practice, a place of comfort, and consistency.  With all 3 of these comes a more streamlined and efficient process taking less time for the effective results.  

RETIREMENT CLUB

Retirement; the ultimate life goal.  What does it mean and how, when, and where should you retire?  Good questions!  I just retired on July 29th.  This was not my initial goal.  My goal was to start the retirement process in October of 2023.  My friends are mostly retired and have been encouraging and questioning me on why I still bothered to work when I could retire.  One of my best friends told me, "you will know exactly when it hits you.  You will say - stick a fork in me - I'm done.  Go ahead and plan all you want."  I have a pension, a 401k, and could start collecting Social Security.  The bottom line was, I wanted to work and accumulate some additional money and pay off some debt.  So, where did my plans go awry and how did I make the decision to pull the proverbial 'trigger' eighteen months ahead of schedule?

First, I had a goal of a certain amount of money in my 401k.  Not only did I reach that goal but, I surpassed it.  I knew I could always pay off the debt one way or another so that was an aside.  I knew I could work as a consultant or assist my spouse in real estate for additional income.  Fun stuff!  It was a conference call after my morning manicure at 11:00 am on April 14th.  The conference call was more of the same stuff.  The conference call was an hour long and ran over 15 minutes.  On what I consider a production day.  Conference calls, in my opinion, should not be held on production days.  At 1:15 pm, I leaned back in my creamy white ergo chair and thought.  I looked at the laptop.  I looked at all the emails.  It was time.  I WAS done.

Second, I had started other interests years before I decided to retire.  I knew I loved orchids.  I was introduced to them in 2009 by my brother-in-law:  Sharry Baby-a vanilla/chocolate scented one.  And, the love affair grew.  That same year, I began writing a book.  And, in 2012 I started a women's networking group.  I had already been blogging and I picked up the pace to blog once a week.  I focused on my book and began attending author signings and lectures.  I am starting a webpage to turn the networking group into a business designed to enhance and assist the relationships with professional business women.

Third, I don't know exactly where I will end up living.  I have alternatives.  Although I had initially had it well planned in 2004, much has changed during the past 18 years.  This is a part of the equation without any time or  limitation for location.  

I am thoroughly mindful of the advantages of retirement-well deserved I might add.  The ability to focus on ME.  What I want.  What I want to do and in the way I feel makes logical sense.  As well as the ability to continue to help others; another passion of mine.  I am glad I joined the retirement club and be a part of its proud members!

FORGIVENESS

Last week, my topic was on 'apologize'.  I am a thinker.  Apologies and forgiveness are quite different actions.  I have been accused of over-thinking by different people in my life including a former manager, co-workers, and friends.  That's fine.  They don't live in my head nor I theirs.  I certainly have enough to keep straight regarding my own thought processes.  I was raised and received first communion at our Lutheran church when I was about 13 years old.  My junior high school was right across the street so, it was easy to get there if I needed to attend classes after school.  I really wrestled with the religious teacher and challenged her every step of the way.  I never mastered the bible teachings.  I refer to myself as faith based and attend both Lutheran and Catholic churches on occasion.  But, one of the concepts I am confident of today is forgiveness. 

My mother put forgiveness rather simply; 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you.'  I have some people that do not agree with my belief; if someone does or says something INTENTIONALLY-I use upper case, bold, and italicized for a reason-to harm another person it is not my place to forgive them.  I am of the belief God is the forgiver of sins-as a higher power-has already decided this for me and his son paid for my sins with his death.   I put the situation in his hands.  I live this way.  I believe this.  I do not necessarily insist OR attempt to persuade others to believe this-they have their ways and I am rather respectful of them.  I do not mind sharing my belief.  

I believe in prayer.  I practice prayer on a consistent basis usually praying for strength, for others, or for a quick recovery and good health.  Also, I ask for forgiveness for the error in my ways for things I have done either intentionally or in poor judgment.   The word judgement is used by the British while us folks in the states have deliberately changed the word and it is 'traditionally' spelled without the 'e'.  Trust me about this and forgive me if you do not agree. 

In addition, I think our society likes to say they ask for forgiveness and also like the feeling of granting another individual forgiveness for an act or deed of harm against them or someone they care for.  A very close family member has repeatedly told me I am wrong in my view of forgiveness and has made several  attempts to encourage me to view forgiveness as an act I am responsible for and I alone hold the key to relinquishing the perpetrator from their misdeed.  Okay.  I can certainly understand her interpretation and I definitely am glad she takes it upon herself to actually think about both her misdeeds and those of others.

I do think there are still others not even giving a damn as to whether one or the other is even an issue.  It is not in their vocabulary.  It is not something they even venture toward.  It is not a factor in how they conduct their life.  I bring up the topic merely to point out the view points much as you may see frequently in my blogs.  I do believe in black and white.  I do believe your actions result in consequences-good or bad.  I do understand there may be grey areas or cause for disagreement.  

What I also realize, and most importantly so, is misdeeds are done throughout the life span.  We have the power of control over our own actions-not of others.  It is how we control what we do, think, and say.  And also, how we manage our mind and the flow of the thoughts within.  

APOLOGIZE

 When you were a small child, your parents/elders taught you to apologize.  Sometimes, going as far as to  demand an apology for a wrong-doing.  Perhaps, the incident made you feel guilty, small, or embarrassed.  The impact of your words, act, or deed  on the other party inflicted an injury requiring the apology.   It was supposed to teach you the importance of understanding the relevance of your words and their depth and impact.  To not only say the words of an apology to the offended party but, show a sense of remorse or empathy in the process.  

Words:  a single distinct meaningful form of speech can also be used in the written form.  A heartfelt letter to a loved one or significant person from your past or in your current time of living can literally absolve or even transform the relationship and the event from a fiery incessant wound to a blurred memory.  Words can make amends and show the other party how strong of a person you are and build rapport and trust.

To apologize-to speak or write these two words, 'I'm sorry', can make such a rather large difference in both how you are perceived and in how you feel about yourself.  I didn't fully understand this as a child. I certainly couldn't understand the relevance of such a simple act and the after effects.  There were even times my parents would insist I apologize, I would say I was sorry, and yet I either didn't know what I apologized for OR the incident was caused by the other party.  The other party just happened to get to my mother or father or teacher first and make me look like the bad person.  Likewise, I would occasionally do the same thing kind of a 'like begets like' and it usually involved my siblings and me.  Not genetics but, familial in nature.

As an adult, I now  understand the essence of the apology and even a partial apology may better and build a once damaged relationship.  I know I can use the words with sincerity and regain trust.  Quite powerful.  Although, I also know there are times when an apology barely scratches the surface.  Start the process-regardless of when the event occurred-and say it, write it, mean it.  Apologize.

SAVING FOR TOMORROW

 I recently decided to retire.  It is time.  There are so many things to do and see.  So much of life to live.  All pathways from my past are leading to a beautiful bouquet of amazing projects and ideas for my retirement years.  I am 'retiring' from a 24/7 job.  But, I guess I am not truly 'retiring'.  Let me explain.  I am not going to plop my butt on the sofa watching television, or watching grand children, or watching others stroll down a beach.  One of my clients, when I explained my plans after leaving my current profession, expressed it best.  She said, 'you are not re-tiring; you are re-focusing.'

Well, that is quite true.  And, several of the reasons I will be able to do what I have planned is because I decided to save for tomorrow.  IF, I would not have listened to certain un-named parties from my past I would be in FAR better financial shape today.    In 2004, I applied for a job with a pension.  A future savings plan.  In 2005, I started a 401k with a 6% employer contribution; another savings plan.   And, there is Social Security a joint savings plan with my past employers.  The combination of the 3 sources of income will provide a living for my 'golden years.' I began an investment account on my own with Robin Hood. I also set aside a couple of hundred dollars each month for annual fun stuff like vacations, birthdays, and weddings.   

Invest in yourself  or pay yourself first is not just some words from highly notable speakers and wealthy entrepreneurs and investors such as Warren Buffett.  Investing in yourself, paying yourself first is your nest egg for your future.  Keep in mind each person must make their own decisions for their financial health and well being.  Trusting individuals close to you may not be a good idea.  OR,  the people that say 'p-tuii' - I live for today.  Well: ok.  That may be good for them.  Is it good for you?

I suggest speaking with a third party such as a financial advisor in your community or at your bank.  Someone you can sit in front of preferably.  AND, if their recommendations sound too good to be true i.e. 'we'll get you a rate of return twice as much as what other investors do for their clients' RUN.  Just end the conversation with a simple 'thank you.'  REMINDER:  Ponzi scheme ala Bernie Madoff.  One of the most recent notorious of schemers.  If you do not know what a Ponzi scheme is, I suggest doing some research on this topic.

Saving for tomorrow may sound like an incredible reduction of your net available cash today; however, the growth of your investment(s) may provide an income level equal to or better than your current income.  There is great potential.  As my husband has stated in a somewhat jokingly and rather frequent comment to me; 'I need you to keep me living in the style I have grown accustomed.'  

SHARPEN YOUR PENCIL.

Organization is a significant component of success. What tools you use for organization may vary depending on  your skills.  I suggest the basics.  An agenda, outlook calendar, color blocking, and a weekly/daily/monthly review.  The skills you possess-you know yourself best-don't be afraid to learn different tools to get the job done. Sharpen your pencil if you will.

I will give a few tips based on my experiences.  In my business world-a fast paced and ever changing industry-a lot of details are either stored in the cerebral matter or by using 'to do lists' or post its.  There are significant appointments, meetings, conferences, educational sessions, and work time that is a part of every week.  Networking and other events occur after the normal work day or even on weekends.  I use an agenda to write in a title of the appointment, etc. in red ink.  Red is for the important things.  It catches my eye.   I write phone numbers in blue/red ink under a clients name to save time from looking up a number.  I highlight my tasks in yellow upon completion.  Outlook and a #2 pencil are great when you need to constantly change your schedule.  Keep a little pencil sharpener handy to sharpen your pencil!  I also like the thought of an old wall pencil sharpener; may serve as an exercise to reduce stress.

Color blocking is for a cluster of hours to do a project(s).  Something that may take several hours.  Using a color marker to mark off a period of time during the day or color code in outlook.  The key:  do not answer the phone, open and review email, or leave your office door open for passerby's to interrupt  to maximize the effect of color blocking activities.  Keep the time and day of the week consistent for regularly occurring work.  Tuesday through Thursday may be best production days or networking days.

Take a few minutes on Sunday night or early Monday morning to review the events scheduled for the week.  It's much like planting seeds, weeding the garden, and harvesting the crops.  There is a beginning, a level of maintenance, and an end.  Next week, the process begins anew.  Be consistent.  This is like any other work behavior.  The learning factor depends on how you learn i.e. by audio, visual, hands on, note taking or a combination of these methods. Change is best over time.  Slowly.  It lasts longer!

Don't forget to examine your weeks' production at either the end or beginning of the new week.  Were you organized?  Were you late to appointments?  Did you over schedule?  Most people set unrealistic goals of  10 when they usually are only capable of completing 2 or 3 appointments/tasks in a  day in addition to their regular maintenance and job responsibilities.  Be honest;  is your number realistic?  You can certainly strive to add more with time as you become proficient in certain areas.  Remember:  everyone has the same amount of hours in a day and same number of days in a week.  

IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU

 Have you been on a conference call and your manager or the speaker spoke of certain topics of which you may be either proficient or well functional when you think to yourself; 'why is he/she telling me this?  I do a good job.'  How about when you are speaking with someone you know-a family member or a friend-and, they take offense to a statement in tandem with the topic of discussion and become defensive?  It's NOT about you!  It is someone's perspective.

The speaker is making an effort to get the audience to understand, collectively, the importance of a process or an update.  It is for the good of the group.  The intent is not to make you feel inept.  The intent is not to single you out-EVEN THOUGH-you feel the problem you may have discussed in a recent conversation with the speaker is cause to single you out and make you feel bad.  You may have been just one of 10 people experiencing the same situation over a relatively recent period of time and the speaker wanted to remind the group of the significance of the fact/process/updated information.  Please put the defensive mind to sleep and listen OR you may become so absorbed with your emotion  which, can cause you to miss some important information.

The family member or friend...or even a close co-worker.  This is a one-on-one or even a small group situation.  However, I usually have experienced this in one-on-one conversations over the phone or via email for the most part where the other party cannot see your face or hear your tone.  You make a statement regarding a topic of the conversation.  Rather than listen, the other party immediately takes a defensive position, cuts you off, or may become upset.  You are left wondering what just took place.  And, the reverse can occur.  Listen; just listen.  Consume the content of the statement.  Think.  Then respond.

Email is another great one.  I had an assistant.  She reached out to the team.  I responded.  She became quite upset, went to our manager, and said I had been rude and condescending.  I answered her in a few words as I was tight on time and the subject matter was of  importance.  She asked for a response; not a celebration of life or a feel good dissertation. Whether you are the sender or the recipient; read the email.  If you get an immediate anxiety attack or become offended, read it again.  Review and re-word the email if sending; re-read the email if received.  Sometimes, I review an email 3-4 times before sending for both content and  clarity.  List your items in a sequence.  It makes better communication and less confusion from the readers perspective.  And remember; stop being so thin skinned!  It's not about you. 

FEAR FACTOR

 I sat at a red light one morning as I drove to work.  Like cupid's arrow, I was struck with a thought.  Out of nowhere I began to think about fear and mentally ran through events which, had caused tremendous fear in my past.  Walking home late one very dark night with the neighborhood kids after seeing 'Night of the Living Dead' while waiting for one of the creatures to lurch toward us was quite scary.  I lived in fear for many months after that while walking home-a frequent walker in those days.  Getting caught for shoplifting with my girlfriend when we were pre-teens was scary-having to confront her mother and receiving her wrath of anger was far scarier than the police officer at the store.  I lived in fear of doing anything wrong with her daughter again and having to face that flaming red-headed woman.  Water in my face-that is a big one! Caused by my mother at a young age.  Another time for that subject.

I realized I had another fear-the fear of success.  Let that sink in for just a moment.  Fear...of being successful.  Becoming successful elevates one to a different level as viewed by family, peers, and members of the community.  The expectations rise both from within and those around you.  Fear can literally shut one's mind down or cause physical paralysis, cause isolation from the outside world or escape from individuals or situations to avoid an anxious encounter, or keep one from trying to accomplish a task-learn a new trade/profession, and veer away from additional responsibility.

 Fear is a part of our biological make up.  The fight or flight mechanism from the amygdala-an almond shaped part of your brain which, receives signals and causes an increase in stress hormones. Its main function is to regulate our emotions such as fear and aggression and pleasure.    The red flag that waves violently.  The devil and angel on opposite shoulders.  That sick feeling causing a bit a nausea.  A severe instantaneous pain in the temple.  

My fear was real.  I knew I was taking on more responsibility and increasing my exposure in the community.  The success barometer one uses for self can be far different than others.  I felt my children held me to a far greater standard than their father.  The fear of letting them down was minimal but, it was there.  I could feel my fears-no one could see it.  I rarely showed any outward signs other than a flush of red across my face.  I have learned to live with fear.  To respect it and to recognize the triggers causing it.  To take steps to minimize the exposure to threatening situations and fully comprehend the risks when encountering unpleasant or challenging situations.  Even more importantly I have learned success is an attribute.  It is a mental medal of honor.  A feat and accomplishment building pride, confidence, and integrity.

SPONTANEITY

 A difficult concept for some and a surprisingly interesting discovery for others.  Perhaps spontaneity is an in-grown trait; one we are born with as opposed to one which is acquired during the lifespan. I have a friend who plans everything.  Writes it down all the time.  I don't recall a single instance where she has forgotten or confused a time we had planned together in fifty years!  Hey...I have known some people for a really long time and am still blessed with hanging out with them, sharing our children's weddings, or just getting together for Maryland steamed crabs.

I like keeping a schedule-my agenda book-and have done so for several decades-(I like the weekly agenda version).  I could not live without it.  In one book, I have both personal and business events and appointments. Sometimes it is a scribbled mess and I have difficulty deciphering my own handwriting.  On a few occasions, I have made mistakes or missed appointments by either having my agenda open on the wrong week or got really busy in the morning and failed to check it BEFORE I got tangled in the complexities of my day.

However, I have realized to err is human and I manage to give myself some leniency as well as remind myself to do a better job of remembering the importance of keeping appointments and respecting other's time.  Punctuality is a very important part of me and providing a quality level of service to my clients or in my personal life as well as maintain a level of sanity; particularly, when an intense workload or events surround me.

I was driving with my husband on September 11th during COVID.  I had this compelling feeling I had to connect with my patriotism-my belief in my country and it's history of strength and values.  I felt the world around me was losing their minds and I didn't want to fall victim to a fear mentality.  SO.....I convinced him to drive to Hoboken at 3:30 in the afternoon to view the twin towers lit up at night from across the Hudson River.  If you have never been to Hoboken, New Jersey perhaps you would enjoy the Manhattan skyline view as much as we did while sitting at Blue Eyes Restaurant on Frank Sinatra Drive.  The sight was amazing.  BUT, what was equally amazing was his comment to me as we drove in traffic about an hour from our destination.   "You know, since I met you, I have done some interesting things I never thought about."  His spoken words have become a mental treasure.  A gift.  A memory.

Scheduling is all well and good but, what about those times where you don't have anything on your calendar OR when you have an appointment but, you want to change things up?  This is where spontaneous actions will make your day, your job, and your life so much more interesting.  Meet a client at the local ice cream shop instead of the coffee shop, interrupt the group to suggest going outside to talk at the employee picnic tables, take your meeting to the sidewalk and brisk walk for 30 minutes, or pick up the phone and call someone to meet up in the next hour instead of sending an email or text.  Act on a thought or a premise and carry it out to find out where it takes you.  

CHORE CHARTS - CHILDREN AND ADULTS

While raising my 3 children, there was much controversy in the household surrounding the basic family chores from dishes to lawn care.  Everyone creates a mess and lives together so why not everyone take part in maintaining the home, their personal effects, and the outside routine care.  Well.  This is not an easy undertaking.  It requires discipline, follow up, and modification as needed.  One household supervisor is required to keep the flow going smoothly and the disgruntled comments and fighting to a minimum.  

With varying ages and responsibilities like school, work, athletics, and community events this will challenge the best of negotiators and record keepers.  You see; no one wants to replace the toilet paper roll or admit to clogging the toilet or drain.  Laundry-how do you keep the piles down?  And, what about energy related tasks like turning off the lights in vacant rooms, maintaining a comfortable house temperature, or shutting the front door?  

You may get lucky and have one member of the family share the responsibility of supervisor; an assistant.  How can chores be controlled and completed and still maintain a degree of sanity while enjoying a pleasant meal at the end of a day without anxiety and an upset tummy?   I don't suggest incorporating anxiety drugs or antacids.  My suggestion will be a bit difficult to stomach at first and may cause some head scratching but, it worked for years for us.  INDEX CARDS!

Yes, I used 4 lined index cards on the front of the refrigerator-a hole punched in the center and a metal ring going through to easily flip the weeks.  Each card was representative of the chores of the house such as:  taking out the trash and bringing the trash cans back, mowing the lawn/shoveling the sidewalk, washing the dishes, making meals, completing homework, laundry, etc.  The names of the family members were listed on the left and the chores across the line on top of the card.  The week number entered in the space above.  I entered a black check mark under each chore assigned to the family member.  For week two, name one was replaced by name 2, and dropped to the bottom and so forth.  Name two adopted the chores of name one and name one adopted the chores of the last person.  After week 4, you were back to week 1.  Everyone had to clean their own room and make their own beds.  

Interestingly enough, each one of my children wanted to wash their own laundry by age 12.  MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENT!  AND, chore charts help prepare your children for a future when mom and dad won't be around to pick up after them. It also keeps the quarreling down.   Pick your battles: if they don't want a clean room and make their bed-close their door.  That is their prerogative.  Give them some control over their own space.  Let each member decide how they want to lay their head down at night or have friends visit their room.  If they keep their room relatively neat, they will have the choice to entertain their friends in the family room or the privacy of their own room.