WHY DO I BOTHER RESPONDING?

 Someone says something to you.  You don't like it.  It may be said with anger or hostility.  The person may like to bait you to respond.  I first heard the term 'baiting' during COVID.  People were so up in arms about the slightest word or term and felt someone wanted to use a comment to 'bait' others to respond.  So very touchy and much like drama with children in middle school.    You usually respond-at least mentally-before you put your fingers in action.  As you enter in this process, and hopefully before you send a derogatory comment in return, a voice from within tells you:  why do you bother responding when the person is such an idiot or lacks credibility?  And then it's done.  You responded.  You could not help yourself.  Even when the person lacks credibility.  You know it.  Your peers or family or friends know it and yet you continue to challenge or respond back in the same ridiculous manner. Comments are continually made without substance or fact, full of emotion and opinion, and when repeated long enough are accepted as fact. Pointless counterpoint.

WHY?  Because these people have the ability to raise the hairs at the nape of your neck.  They bring you to a heightened level of frustration and you want to set them straight.  You cannot.  No matter what you do you cannot change another person's behavior.  Remember that.  They have full control of their comments and actions just as much as you do.  

Several years ago, I had received an email early one morning and sent a return emailed response to a co-worker.   I had a busy schedule.  It was one of those days where I had a tight timeline and so many things were going wrong PLUS, I had overbooked my evening appointments and it was going to be an intense, long day.  In the latter part of the afternoon, I dropped off some of my loan files and started back upstairs to my office.  I had absolutely no time for chatter.  I was on a mission!  Well, my boss stopped me and asked if I would mind coming in for a few minutes.  His office was located just outside of our processing center where I had been.  Of course, I said 'yes'.  He was a good boss and quite knowledgeable.  He had a lot of respect from so many on our team as well as other departments of the corporation.  I was proud to be on his team and did my best to accommodate him.

The next thing I knew, he is asking me why I had been hostile in an email to one of the assistants.  I stared back at him with a quizzical look as he continued stating he received a forwarded response and thought it sounded 'short'.  By his tone, he meant I had been short-tempered with my response.  I walked around his desk, re-read the email I had sent off earlier that day.  Nothing about it looked 'short' to me other than it had not been a compilation of complete sentences.  I looked at him and stated as much.  He seemed a bit satisfied with me but, also commented; 'you should re-read your responses prior to sending and perhaps this won't happen again.'

I left his office a bit frustrated.  It was one of the first times I had experienced someone so sensitive to a few words-twisting the contents to a negative meaning when there was no 'there, there.'  Present day, it appears this happens all the time.  That day represented the beginning of my awareness of how some people respond.  SO... in order to keep my sanity and focus on what is real and important in my life, I re-read most emails (several times depending on the length and subject matter) prior to pressing that 'send' button.  On social media, I rarely comment on anything of significance and leave those conversations for face-to-face dialogue so there is no misinterpretation.  

CATHOLIC GUILT

I am sure you have had a relationship or two which caused you pain or indigestion.  A sleepless night or two when you just can't stop the flood of dread and even the light of day does not provide the clear vision or strength to make the change you need.  I have had my fair share.  Sigh....   The ones which keep you up at night or cause you to question your sanity.  Or perhaps you just can't seem to shake the person loose.  You feel sorry for the 'puppies' you have collected.  They are cute and soft and furry and they bite.  They bite hard and their teeth are sharp like needles and  you continue to pet them for another few months or even longer before you just can't stand it any more.

It took me quite a bit of time to realize my short-comings when selecting relationships of the opposite sex.  We would date or get romantically involved.  Our conversations were usually pleasurable and there would come a day when I realized I wasn't getting much out of the relationship.   I feared I would hurt their feelings.  I also refer to this as my 'Catholic guilt'.  I was baptized Lutheran and attend Lutheran and Catholic church services.  My father was the authoritarian in our family.  Looked us in the eye and always said:  'don't lie or tell the truth or it is a sin to lie.'  Every time he did this, I involuntary shrunk and I am sure I looked guilty about everything.  Regardless of whether I did the deed or not.  The look on his face made me feel bad.  Just like when I told someone our relationship was over.  So....I delayed the inevitable and continued to live with the guilt for awhile longer. 

Sometimes, it takes a good look in the mirror.  To view yourself critically.  To judge self as you do others.  I did.  I did not follow my intuitions.  I did not acknowledge the 'red flags' as they waved. I allowed people into my life knowing there were some facets of their personality, their past, or comments from others to be wary of.  My internal sources knew better.  Basically, I continued to make the same mistake.  Insane! 

Time and experience has a way of mending broken fences.  I know if I have a relationship with 80 to 90% of my buckets being filled it is one worthy of my engagement.  I realize no relationship is 100% fulfilling.  Some may argue their one true love is their best friend.  Hmmmm...never found that situation but, came close.  I  also know I can limit my exposure or amount of time with certain people, feel totally happy with them, and have a life-lasting relationship.  I can live without any guilt or sense of dread.  A person has to know their limitations.  

MY WORD!

 Have you ever noticed how a word can linger in your thoughts?  A part of a sentence which just cannot escape your mind?  A word can cause damage or it can create considerable enlightenment.  It can also fill one with such love and joy.  I listen to daily pod casts most week days to grasp onto a word, a goal, a mindset, or an idea to relate to and work towards.  There are times when a word goes deeper, longer such as when you make a commitment; like marriage.  A vow.  The vow.  A slew of words of endearment, praise, love, and devotion to your betrothed.  

I had chosen the word VISION for this year.  That encompasses primarily my business career and writing and of course, I have a vision for the health and happiness for my family.  But, there is another word I find extremely important when it comes to business and personal.  That word is commitment.  When you give a vow to your mate, when you realize you are going to spend time with that one special person for the foreseeable future, you speak of your COMMITMENT.  Without a commitment, without agreeing to the importance of commitment, the relationships and strength of the parties is relatively weak.  

I had entered into a relationship.  I knew full and well I had to have the absolute commitment from the other party to engage with one another in the relationship with dignity and respect.  No arguing; no fighting; no angry fists or abusive language or behavior.  Without a lingering thought, the other party agreed.  He understood where I was coming from.  He knew of my past abusive relationship.  He agreed to honor my request.  With time,  episodes of angry tones erupted from him.  Quips with a crisp tongue for absolutely no reason.  The anger appeared from time-to-time.  It did not go away. It became a daily norm.  It wasn't something we were able to discuss as I got shot down with a menacing look or a loud bang as an object was thrown around me.  I felt like I could not say anything...and, I truly mean this...without him being angry.

The anger continued.  An emphasis on a single word.  The word would penetrate my thoughts and I was determined to remove it from my mind.  I refuse to let a person reduce me to a level I never wanted to be a part of.  I grew up in a family of bad words.  Hateful and angry.  I grew apart from them and had my life of my own.  I created that.  I took the core elements of the family of good and built on those.  I want better for myself.  I continue to hold firm on my belief of commitment.  I know the words.  The right word.  Mend your fences.  Renew your commitment.  Even if you cannot speak the word to the other party.  Change the word of anger to one of happiness.

VISION

 A close friend of several decades, a local estate lawyer, asked me a question the other day.  She wanted to know what my 'word' or 'goal' was for 2023 since everyone seemed to be asking her.  I have a great deal of respect for her and wanted to sound intelligent and thoughtful.  I answered with a bit of hesitation; 'complete' as I truly need to complete my website and get my book out there in the world.  I kept thinking about the word and  her question.  Complete wasn't really what I want for 2023.  I usually say 'there is a story behind the story'.  There was something about 'complete'...something behind it... something nagging me.  Something that was true and much more on point.  

I pondered this rather seriously over a couple of days.  Alas, I came up with 'vision'.  I need vision to see the path before me to complete the tasks I need to do in order to make my year complete.  BINGO!  I realized, yet again, I need more discipline.  I need routine to survive and know I must be flexible like the palm tree to sway and bend as needed.  The palm tree, the fibrous and relatively wet infrastructure,  allows swaying and yet the palm tree has great strength to sustain high winds without breakage or falling down.  I will view the year.  Focus on what I WANT to accomplish.  Not meet others demands nor take them into consideration.  That is how I will be able to survive in this ever changing world and turbulence.  

I reflected on what significant things transpired during 2022.  It started with me backing up into a UPS truck in January.  I had a nasty migraine immediately after and barely got home.  Then the changes. Since parts were not available and repairs could take months, I decided to get another Jeep.  This time, I got a sun roof!  Something I have been wanting since I owned my 1993 Jaguar-I affectionately named her Alexandra.  WHO is one of my main characters in my book:  Aruba Vacation with Aruba Joe-Alex.  In March, I decided to create an LLC for my women's networking group.  I sought a tarot card reader for some insight.   One too many conference calls on April 14th caused me to retire 18 months early.   I started a new busines.  I  retired July 29th, and launched my first novel.  I started piano lessons in July the week before I officially retired.  My husband and I made a few trips.  I even spent 7 weeks in Aruba and was disconnected from work for the 2nd time in 22 years!  I did what I WANTED to do.  

I will move forward in 2023 purposefully.  I will re-adjust my vision as I want to in order to complete my tasks and look forward to an exciting year much like I felt when my children were born.  OR, when I attended college after the semester was done and a new semester began.  I can see clearly now.  I feel rejuvenated.

BLACK SWAN EVENT

 You may not have heard about it.  You probably have never encountered one.  And yet I am sure you have experienced at least one.  A black swan event is one of those unprecedented events which is difficult to predict.  A surprise which can have a major impact on your life.  2022 must be a special year for me as I can think of several from this year.  I never thought I would begin a business at age 65.  Although I frequently reference Colonel Sanders accomplishments and was aware of his good fortune.  KFC-Kentucky Fried Chicken.  He began franchising his famous fried delicacy and his secret seasoning with his meager $105 monthly Social Security check.  I didn't think I would have my nephew live with me either.  AND, I did not know the happiness I would experience once I retired this summer at 65.   I actually planned on retiring in 2023. 

In Aruba, there are black swans in the pool surrounding the restaurant-Ruinas del Mar-at the Hyatt.  I had never seen a black swan and was able to experience them quite close.  The look of the majestic creature and its curved neck with its bright red colored bill was a first for me.  The bright red appears on a fully matured bird as their feathers become a darker black. Many people from all over the globe visit the restaurant and are in awe of their presence.   Most say they never heard of a black swan let alone see one.

And yet black swans do exist.  They are infrequent.  Perhaps something one doesn't fully appreciate until they come face-to-face with their splendor and gracious behavior.  It is most beautiful when there  are offspring trailing in-sync with their much larger parent.  Dominance.  Beauty and unique.  To me, that is a black swan event.  One that brings joy, a smile, and a level of satisfaction I had not encountered.  Perhaps the full effect of the black swan will come with time as the turn of the ticking clock and the final hours of 2022 melt into the New Year of 2023!

SEASONS

Seasons greetings!  'Tis the season!  The season of change.  The season of our time.  The four seasons.  Each of these bring to mind so many different vibes and memories.  How about the season of relationships?  Both business and personal.  Every person experiences relationships which are long or short.  Familial in nature or from afar.  But, did you ever think about a relationship as a season?  

Some seasons are cold and brutal with forceful winds and rains causing us to hold our arms close to our bodies or hot temperatures causing sweat to leak from our pores making the body and mind react in rather uncomfortable ways.  We seek an equilibrium to balance ourselves.  We bundle up for the winds and shed our clothes often seeking shelter for refuge and a more pleasant environment.  Other seasons gradually change and are easier to accept and appreciate.

Relationships are like seasons.  Some can withstand the test of time and endure the onslaught of emotions and extreme variations and changes.  Some relationships can only exist during the most moderate of times.  Familial relationships can make the holidays a most unpleasant time or a most enjoyable and memorable time.  In either case, we carry the past of family to the grave with feelings of hate and remorse or love and tranquility.  

My family had pretty much shut me out when I was in my late twenties.  I was so different from them.  Our parents had divorced in my teenage years.  My siblings grew angry with the residual effects of their split and subsequent marriages to strangers.  My eldest brother could not seem to lead but, to conquer and divide the family and set the tone for decades to come.  Six of us wrestled with who we were and what would become of us.  I eventually reconnected with them almost twenty years later but, I decided the family relationships would be on my terms.  You see, collectively we were incapable of weathering the seasons of our past and could not see far into the future or appreciate our core.  We felt it far easier to turn against one another-choose sides-rather then embrace the divorce and subsequent changes.  

I realized all was okay and came to understand our parents did their best.  THEIR best.  Not what we thought they should have done.  Not everyone can appreciate the bonds of blood and family.  Not everyone can appreciate their work mates or neighbors.  BUT, what I can say unequivocally is I recognize all relationships cannot withstand the test of time or seasons.  I realized I can form a relationship and revisit that relationship in 8 or 10 years and pick up where we left off.  I can form a relationship and a simple phrase or word can destroy decades of friendships.  Relationships are like seasons.  They evolve and come back again in time.  Some relationships die in the extremes and some plant seeds which grow into eternity with the right nutrients and circumstances.  

It is a time of year for rejoicing.  A time to remember.  And, a time to look forward to a new year-a new day.  A fresh start to embrace the upcoming seasons.  A world of new ideas and establishing traditions.  New seasons of change and the seasons of memories and the realization:  not all relationships can withstand the test of time.  They don't have to.

EVALUATE - LEARN FROM YOUR EXPERIENCES

 This is an ongoing one that just does not go away-EVER!   Learning is a process that continues through the lifespan.  I once thought it would stop after I graduated from high school-HA!  No more school, no more text books, or stupid tests.  As an adult it took me quite sometime to really understand the concept of learning.  Learning is not just from texts or from an instructor or teacher.  One of the things I recognized is just how much you learn from observation, doing, and listening to others.

AND, I realized I had not acquired the skills of learning.  No one told me I had to learn to learn.  My particular style of learning is not just reading or listening.  It also includes doing and seeing-observation if you will.  I also came to understand the importance of reading particular topics.  Mostly, I realized I had to recollect my experiences, extrapolate ideas and concepts from them, and decide how I would venture forward with personal, business, and family.  Sometimes, I made repeated mistakes and other times I know the price to pay for a mistake could be critical and careful attention is needed.  

Experience is not something learned in a textbook.  Experience can be forgotten.  Experiences are what enlightens our life, gives us the essence of who we are, and adds to our toolbox of knowledge to make us better as humans.  I took time this week to reflect on my lengthy travel.  At first, I felt as though I had not done very much at all.  I wrote all the things I had accomplished.  The people I met and the purpose for the meetings.  I did a lot more than I realized.  Interestingly enough, I came to the conclusion I could have not accomplished so much WITHOUT experiences from my corporate life.  My success in both my WOW-Women Optimizing Women business and my first novel-Aruba Vacation with Aruba Joe (purchases:  Lulu.com), and being able to create my first website (Barbararingrose.com) are primarily due to the sales, marketing, and extensive educational experiences I have done.

I was able to evaluate my most recent accomplishments, tweak those that needed my attention, and know that they will continue to grow and change.  This learning from experience is non-negotiable and is deep within.  It comes from years of growth and I look forward to so much more.