CATHOLIC GUILT

I am sure you have had a relationship or two which caused you pain or indigestion.  A sleepless night or two when you just can't stop the flood of dread and even the light of day does not provide the clear vision or strength to make the change you need.  I have had my fair share.  Sigh....   The ones which keep you up at night or cause you to question your sanity.  Or perhaps you just can't seem to shake the person loose.  You feel sorry for the 'puppies' you have collected.  They are cute and soft and furry and they bite.  They bite hard and their teeth are sharp like needles and  you continue to pet them for another few months or even longer before you just can't stand it any more.

It took me quite a bit of time to realize my short-comings when selecting relationships of the opposite sex.  We would date or get romantically involved.  Our conversations were usually pleasurable and there would come a day when I realized I wasn't getting much out of the relationship.   I feared I would hurt their feelings.  I also refer to this as my 'Catholic guilt'.  I was baptized Lutheran and attend Lutheran and Catholic church services.  My father was the authoritarian in our family.  Looked us in the eye and always said:  'don't lie or tell the truth or it is a sin to lie.'  Every time he did this, I involuntary shrunk and I am sure I looked guilty about everything.  Regardless of whether I did the deed or not.  The look on his face made me feel bad.  Just like when I told someone our relationship was over.  So....I delayed the inevitable and continued to live with the guilt for awhile longer. 

Sometimes, it takes a good look in the mirror.  To view yourself critically.  To judge self as you do others.  I did.  I did not follow my intuitions.  I did not acknowledge the 'red flags' as they waved. I allowed people into my life knowing there were some facets of their personality, their past, or comments from others to be wary of.  My internal sources knew better.  Basically, I continued to make the same mistake.  Insane! 

Time and experience has a way of mending broken fences.  I know if I have a relationship with 80 to 90% of my buckets being filled it is one worthy of my engagement.  I realize no relationship is 100% fulfilling.  Some may argue their one true love is their best friend.  Hmmmm...never found that situation but, came close.  I  also know I can limit my exposure or amount of time with certain people, feel totally happy with them, and have a life-lasting relationship.  I can live without any guilt or sense of dread.  A person has to know their limitations.