Someone controlling your life requires a major component: YOU. To give up YOUR power. Control means the power to influence or direct peoples behavior or events. Thinking about this particular topic brings forth a lot of mental images and thoughts too numerous to list. However, I will focus on the primary topic of giving up your power on a personal level as this is one I feel will have the greatest impact. You may or may not be able to relate on this level to the extent I once endured. This may require the extrapolation of your empathy from other hardship experiences or those of others. Perhaps you had a boss that wanted to force you out of your job or a co-worker that wanted you fired. Extreme examples would be experiencing the brutal force of someone deliberately trying to push you to the brink of suicide or taking flight to avoid death. These situations often involve a 'conquer and divide' process which, alienates the victim from family and friends-the support system. This topic to be covered in another blog.
Giving up your power to the extreme scenario of death is probably something most of us will never experience. A relationship doesn't start off that way. He was extremely generous with sending red roses, wining and dining me, taking me on weekend jaunts to Atlantic City, and encouraging me to have a family. When we met, I did not want children. I was burdened with taking care of my two younger siblings growing up. I wanted my freedom. Alas, he was just that convincing-note: the 'con'. Con is a prefix meaning 'with' from Latin. I would eventually find out he was a 'con-artist'. I wasn't his only victim. Others, mainly those close to him, would learn this about him as well. He had the ability to get you to believe the most bizarre situations. He had me convinced I could do things I never dreamed of. Some of those weren't necessarily bad. He had a way of building my confidence. Then later, tearing me apart. He would make me change my mind about having children. However, the latter I would live to appreciate deeply. I would never have known deep, true love and sacrifice otherwise.
One day, I looked into the mirror and saw a thin woman. She had lost at least 30 pounds in a matter of a month. I realized I was NOT going to give in to him any more. On the flip side, his determination of destruction grew. I suffered a great deal from the emotional and psychological trauma from his constant onslaught of vicious attacks-all verbal. Once, he tried to force me off the road at 55 mph. That was another time I knew I had to pull a strength from within-one I had no knowledge of its existence. I made it to my destination-shaken and head pounding. I realized I had just missed an opportunity to meet my maker. I was not ready for that yet. My higher power knew. He gave me that strength.
Interestingly enough, I was attending college and took a course in abnormal psychology. I was given and read a book "The Sociopath Next Door". I realized I was NOT powerless. I needed to control my life. I had both purpose and meaning although he said, while in front of our marriage counselor with a slight hand slap to my head, I was 'not worth a nickel'. Once he circled me in the kitchen like a predator around a fawn while spewing insults and saying disgusting things toward me.
I took everything in. I hurt deeply. My family abandoned me. Friends were afraid of his wrath and would not visit. He was good at conquering and dividing us. Two residential moves later, I realized I was not different than Dorothy. I only had to click my ruby slippers three times, close my eyes, and repeatedly say "I will not give him my power". Many times over I found myself thinking about how I had given him the power. I had handed it to him. I hadn't fought back. I lost that somewhere. He was mean and cruel and hurtful. His core was broken-not mine. He was weak-not I. I had 3 beautiful children to raise. I realized I was quite valuable and had so much to live for.
There are choices to be made; to remain a victim or become victorious. To win-to lose. To strive for better every day. To slump into the world of anti-depressants or alcohol or worse. In time, I reversed the automatic negative mindset to one of beauty, success, power, resilience, dedication, devotion, love and intelligence. It was simply one step at a time-one minute-one day at a time. Get your power back. Make the most of you. Dig deep into your core to pull your strengths from the the depth of your being. Smile. We will all notice how proud and confident you are.
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