IT TAKES TWO-ME AND YOU

 Sonny and Cher were a trendy young couple in the the early 1970's.  They had a comedy hour and the title of this blog was the theme of one of their songs.  Well, it took two to make their relationship and it took the two of them to end it.  The responsibility of the relationship relies on both parties; it is not one sided.  Each participant is to take the blame for a fight or unsettled quarrel or celebrate the successes.  When we are under the social microscope or under pressure the intensity of a situation may be magnified.  Certain circumstances may drive an elevated response such as pressure from the family to get married or a birth/death/change of employment/new home.  

These are all life experiences and most of us will understand the relevance of the need to be prepared; especially, if a situation was not handled as well as we would have liked in hindsight.  How can you prepare for a birth or a death?  My fingers actually stopped hitting the keyboard on this one.  The honest answer; you cannot.  No more than you can prepare for a lengthy hospital stay or an unforeseen accident.  Rightly so. BUT, you can take responsibility for those situations you have control in.

Working together when an incident/quarrel or other event in relationships is key.  I re-met my current husband and he is a true gentleman.  Most of the times.  He knows I mean this.  He has a short-fuse (he's come a long way-trust me!) and doing a project can be a challenge.  After we first started living together, we would cook dinner together, have a few drinks, play music, and dance in the kitchen.  It was a lot of fun!  BUT, as time passed and the reality of living together and sharing the domestic interior and exterior projects became somewhat habitual we ran into some issues.  We could not work together.  He became angry because I didn't put something on the 'right' shelf and I stormed off leaving him to finish the task.  It was unpleasant and I fumed over this for days.  I doubt he did.  He was happy to work alone.

Eventually, and this took time, we could paint in a room together for hours on end or dig up the back yard to prepare for an amazing garden.  He is more of the laborer than I and I am the planner and organizer.  I designed our great room-a 520 square foot addition and he did the drawing to present to the county.  I over-saw and ran the day to day construction and expenses and he helped the contractors and finished the work they never came back to complete.  It took both of us-together-with our different set of skill sets to complete the projects.  

We learned.  We took time to not just argue but, to talk about the issues and there were times we 'agreed to disagree'.  I bet that is something you seldom hear about or even say these days.  It's either someone is right or someone is wrong.  No.  There are different ways of thinking.  There are different ways of doing.  There is mostly the same thoughts for success.  The core of each of us is quite similar to one another.  We thrive when we work together-you and me.

DOWN SHIFT

 Some people will not relate to the concept of the term 'down shift' first hand.  Maybe because they never experienced driving a manual transmission in a vehicle, drove a tractor, or a mini-bike.  I have.  I began learning to shift a vehicle when I was in the eighth grade although I had ridden mini-bikes and drove tractors by age 11.  I was seeing a young man-we were going steady and I wore his 'ID' bracelet- who drove a Volkswagen Beetle.  A 'punch buggy' as my children refer to them.  And, some of the more seasoned readers will remember a movie called The Love Bug from 1977 featuring a cute version of the car.  The Volkswagen I learned to shift on was a 4 speed; the higher the gear-the faster you could go and vice versus.  You start out in first gear.  I have had several manually driven vehicles and my favorite was a brand new 1993 Mazda RX-7; a 5 speed, turbo with rotary engine.  It was blue with a sun roof.  I named him Michael.  Loved that car! 

I learned the importance of downshifting as opposed to using the brakes to slow down or when I approached a wet or snowy surface to avoid sliding or a possible accident.  It also saved on gas-the car got about 18 miles per gallon in the city which, is where I drove it most.  Downshifting gave me the ability to avoid potential errors in life too.  Let me explain.  The day can quickly get out of control.  A meeting detains you longer than you originally planned.  The multiple appointments you scheduled for the remainder of the day are now in jeopardy.  They are all important.  But now, you realize you have to decide how to reschedule.  Your mind flips inside out as you think about each appointment and the person you know or want to get to know.  Like frames of a film, the visions of each appointment quickly pass through your brain and you find yourself in a bit of a panic.  Maybe you become angry with the person in control of the meeting and curse them.  Getting angry doesn't help.  You cannot think clearly,

AHHH!  It is time to down shift.  You need to be able to re-review your appointments with discretion.  Slow down...down shift.  To avoid making an already uncomfortable situation worse, look at each appointment and put them in some sort of order.  This won't take long.  Perhaps you can number them by importance or by physical distance and map them out in your mind or on a piece of paper.  Suggestion:  if you reschedule just the next appointment, you can remain on schedule for the remaining appointments.  Perhaps making the next appointment the last one of the day-down shift.

Put your shift in the proper perspective-this is not brain surgery.  No one will die as a result of a schedule change.  Remain focused once you have completed the change.  Do not go back and hurl violent thoughts toward yourself or any other person.  It's a waste of energy.  You only have so much fuel in  your tank to get you through the day and you want to make sure your day ends safely and without any further incident.  Keep your foot on the gas and go with confidence!

COACHING

 I worked in the corporate world for over 20 years.  Coaching became a 'thing'.  Managers were coerced to have periodic consultations with their employees to view their performance, make suggestions, and offer 'coaching' to aid and assist them in any areas they needed to improve upon.  I say 'coerced' because the managers would sometimes comment to me about the coaching aspect of their jobs; it was not a task they were enthusiastic about.  Some managers provided boring data or power point presentations as they did a verbal recap of each page at each meeting.  I learned a few things.  A good manager can obtain great results through consistency, honesty, providing valuable updates, and new programs and knowing the details and mechanics of his team.  Allowing the team to provide their input works.  Managers are not necessarily leaders.  A little humility can help, too.

Coaching became a thing in the business world, too.  The executives of large corporations brought in mentors and consultants and inspirational speakers to chat about topics for prospecting, servicing, and inspiring their managerial staff and high-level performers.  I guess they didn't think the rest of the team was worthy.  Sales people set up regular coaching seminars and consultation to get them on track for increased sales or help with their closings.  Closings are when you are working with a client in sales and you succeed with a completed transaction.  Ratios are formulated; the difference between the referrals/prospects and closed transactions.  In my line of work, mortgage, the fall-out ratio was of particular importance i.e. how many of them did not get to closing versus the number of loan applications that did. 

I also learned coaching requires patience and time.  Working with people, I have been on one side or the other.  I have needed help. Requested help. Got some help.  Now, I have the tools to use what I have learned from other people as well as my own experiences.  I am confident and yet know I have so much more to learn and look forward to future connections and opportunities.  

I had a woman, actually two, whom were part of my women's networking group.  Both had lost their husbands due to illness and both had to continue with the business as it was their primary source of income.  The women met through my networking events.  Consulted with me periodically.  And, became friends and sought out the help and camaraderie of other professional business women in the group.  Through thick and thin they learned and grew.  One of the women recently sold her business for a profit which enabled her to retire and move to a more suitable home closer to family.  The other woman has managed to add different products and increase her profits.  Coaching is in different forms.  The formula remains much the same.  Shared knowledge and support along with the acceptance of the challenge equals positive outcomes.

Know and understand coaching requires dedication, empathy, and a systematic approach.  There are many options and opportunities on-line as well.  There are coaching specialists for specific types of goals from experts in the industry such as increasing real estate sales or car sales.  There are books written by coaches or podcasts which can be used during the quiet/learning period of your work week.  There are usually fees for coaching services.  The expense will range and can fit your budget and availability.  Your diligence, your fortitude, your drive to learn-to-learn will be rewarded in time.  Focus.  Learn.  Listen.  Lead by example.

OPTIONS: HOMEOPATHIC, PRESCRIPTION, DRUGS OR ALCOHOL-TAKE HEED

This is a topic that is quite near and dear to me as most of us can relate. It's deep and quite personal with me.  You see, I lost family members due to over use of prescription and street drugs.  We have a lot of both scientifically created and naturally based options to help us with anything from a mere sniffle or allergic reaction to brain trauma or a genetically pre-dispositioned disease.  The sources for comfort, cure, and solutions are wide ranging.   Our country offers the best in the world for medical treatment, a wide range of insurances, and the option to select the type of doctor or specialist to help us.  In addition to standard medicine, we have alternative medicine such as acupuncture, homeopathy, and Chinese or Oriental medicine.  Ancient cures like your typical aloe houseplant.  Or, vinegar.  Standard medicine is widely used and accepted and is scientifically based.  Most people use some form of alternative medicine in conjunction with standard medicine.  

My purpose for writing a bit on this topic is just to provide some of my thoughts of the most recent past and get it out there for consideration.  THIS is a tough topic in that I realize people have strong opinions and can provide a compelling justification-even fearful in nature-to get others to buy into their theory or line of reasoning.   The most recent conflict of prescription use was COVID.  I stand my ground on the biology of the human immune system.  Our system to recognize the intruding illness and build an internal army to protect from future attacks.  I also understand the use of various vaccines and boosters, the economic impact, the ones who benefited, as well as the unfortunate who passed from the virus.  God rest their souls.  

We saw an insurgence of alcohol and drug use from COVID and isolation.  Alcohol sales increased.  We self-medicated and had more time to indulge in our favorite libations since we were working from home.  If I recall correctly, the sale of alcohol was not shuttered during COVID's voracious outbreak.  Our country experienced over 100,000 deaths from opioid use from April of 2020 to the same time in 2021.  The FBI seized records and office equipment of 'pill mills'.  One local practice I knew of.  The low-cost and availability of drugs, alcohol, and even street sales of pharmaceuticals surged.  Help was limited.  Counseling programs shut down.  Hospital visits for psychological treatment rose. Suicide rates soared.  Rage and anger destroyed our cities.  People were hurt.  Businesses burned to the ground.  Tragic.

My brother's death was way before the surge of substance abuse during COVID.  He died on November 9th of 2004 from a lethal cocktail of Xanax and Oxycodone.  I tried to tell him he would get into trouble.  His response; 'if the doctor prescribes it to me, it must be okay.  You don't know what you are talking about.' He became extremely anxious when he drove into road construction on his way to meet me.  He said he got so upset from having to wait his turn on the single-lane road he had to pop a Xanax.  That was in September-just before his untimely death.  His wife was well aware of his usage.  She was on anti-depressants and received disability due to her insistence of her inability to drive the highway to get to work-it caused her extreme anxiety.  After her third application for disability, she received it.  She slept on the sofa most days-her mother came to the house to help with their two sons.  

Homeopathic methods emerged with more people looking for alternative solutions using natural herbs  as they feared the repercussion of addiction and physical harm to their body.  CBD oil usage has climbed.  Legal Marijuana sales are doing well.   Acupuncture is covered by medical insurance and even Medicare now.  Burning white sage has become popular to cleanse the house of negativity.  Crystals are used during Reiki-a Japanese method to restore positive energy.   Yoga and meditation books and practice has also risen.   In-home gyms have become quite popular.

People are looking for relief in just about any way possible for any reason and try and sample what is available to them.  What makes sense to them. What is affordable to them.  AND, what justifies their needs.  As I listen to my podcasts, read a book, or search for self-help remedies I feel I know what is best for me.  I listen to my doctors.  I question their recommendation when appropriate.  I research information from multiple sources to determine what is best for ME. And, consult with friends to hear what they are doing for help.  I listen and learn.  Live in good health and know:  you have options.

COUNSELING-IS IT FOR ME?

Like most of you, I have had my shares of ups and downs.  I was first introduced to bio-feedback counseling by my neurologist after a horrible migraine which, lasted a total of 9 months.  At age 26, the event, recovery, and process was difficult.  I still have vivid memories.  The symptoms varied and were intermittent.  I had tingling in my hands and arms, my face would look Bell's-Palsy-ish at times.  My tongue felt like it had enlarged twice it's size making speech difficult.  My vision was impaired; I saw some rather unusual spiked images-like floaters-which, resembled little Pac Man's scurrying around.  All of this spanned a period of 6 months, a ten day visit to the hospital, and a 3 month recovery at home.

At that time, the word 'counseling' meant you had a problem.  A mental issue.  And, you engaged the services of a psychiatrist or psychologist to talk to and pay them for their time.  It seemed like an expensive conversation.  I had girlfriends to talk to.  We could talk over a couple of  beers and laugh and cry and the world seemed much better the next day.  Problem solved; at least for until the next argument with boyfriend/husband, family member, or co-worker occurred.

Well, I gained an entirely different view of counseling when I started bio-feedback.  I learned to use my mind to control my body.  It took time and practice.  Surprisingly; it worked!  Bio-feedback remains a  part of my life. 

I ended up in marriage counseling a couple of times.  After 3 or 4 visits, the pastoral counselors told us my spouse was just not interested in salvaging the marriage and did not see any reason to continue.  Another counselor, suggested I continue counseling on a one-on-one basis with him as there was not any interest from my spouse.  That was a blow to my ego, heart, and marriage.  I continued therapy; we divorced.

I have attended counseling with a local agency, engaged in a women's group therapy, and sought a business counselor/coach as I moved on in life.  All of which were quite helpful.  I still seek 'girlfriend' therapy and find them both helpful and inexpensive.  Usually over dinner, lunch, or phone works well for me.  

I also thought I would become a counselor myself.  I was about two thirds of the way through the master's program when I realized I didn't like labeling people and I didn't care  for some of the 'textbook' techniques and theories.  I learned I have a cognitive behavioral mindset.  My focus is on thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes and how they can change your patterns of behavior.  I also realized I am good with people and enjoy working with them on finances, real estate, and business.  

The question of counseling-is it right or wrong for me?-is to be pondered.  Consider it.  There are also on-line counselors for the type of counseling you want to pursue-right from the comfort of your own home while you sip your favorite beverage, in your favorite chair, with your bunny slippers keeping your feet cozy.  You have options.  And, yes, the girlfriend/boyfriend option is usually available as well.