BLACK SWAN EVENT

 You may not have heard about it.  You probably have never encountered one.  And yet I am sure you have experienced at least one.  A black swan event is one of those unprecedented events which is difficult to predict.  A surprise which can have a major impact on your life.  2022 must be a special year for me as I can think of several from this year.  I never thought I would begin a business at age 65.  Although I frequently reference Colonel Sanders accomplishments and was aware of his good fortune.  KFC-Kentucky Fried Chicken.  He began franchising his famous fried delicacy and his secret seasoning with his meager $105 monthly Social Security check.  I didn't think I would have my nephew live with me either.  AND, I did not know the happiness I would experience once I retired this summer at 65.   I actually planned on retiring in 2023. 

In Aruba, there are black swans in the pool surrounding the restaurant-Ruinas del Mar-at the Hyatt.  I had never seen a black swan and was able to experience them quite close.  The look of the majestic creature and its curved neck with its bright red colored bill was a first for me.  The bright red appears on a fully matured bird as their feathers become a darker black. Many people from all over the globe visit the restaurant and are in awe of their presence.   Most say they never heard of a black swan let alone see one.

And yet black swans do exist.  They are infrequent.  Perhaps something one doesn't fully appreciate until they come face-to-face with their splendor and gracious behavior.  It is most beautiful when there  are offspring trailing in-sync with their much larger parent.  Dominance.  Beauty and unique.  To me, that is a black swan event.  One that brings joy, a smile, and a level of satisfaction I had not encountered.  Perhaps the full effect of the black swan will come with time as the turn of the ticking clock and the final hours of 2022 melt into the New Year of 2023!

SEASONS

Seasons greetings!  'Tis the season!  The season of change.  The season of our time.  The four seasons.  Each of these bring to mind so many different vibes and memories.  How about the season of relationships?  Both business and personal.  Every person experiences relationships which are long or short.  Familial in nature or from afar.  But, did you ever think about a relationship as a season?  

Some seasons are cold and brutal with forceful winds and rains causing us to hold our arms close to our bodies or hot temperatures causing sweat to leak from our pores making the body and mind react in rather uncomfortable ways.  We seek an equilibrium to balance ourselves.  We bundle up for the winds and shed our clothes often seeking shelter for refuge and a more pleasant environment.  Other seasons gradually change and are easier to accept and appreciate.

Relationships are like seasons.  Some can withstand the test of time and endure the onslaught of emotions and extreme variations and changes.  Some relationships can only exist during the most moderate of times.  Familial relationships can make the holidays a most unpleasant time or a most enjoyable and memorable time.  In either case, we carry the past of family to the grave with feelings of hate and remorse or love and tranquility.  

My family had pretty much shut me out when I was in my late twenties.  I was so different from them.  Our parents had divorced in my teenage years.  My siblings grew angry with the residual effects of their split and subsequent marriages to strangers.  My eldest brother could not seem to lead but, to conquer and divide the family and set the tone for decades to come.  Six of us wrestled with who we were and what would become of us.  I eventually reconnected with them almost twenty years later but, I decided the family relationships would be on my terms.  You see, collectively we were incapable of weathering the seasons of our past and could not see far into the future or appreciate our core.  We felt it far easier to turn against one another-choose sides-rather then embrace the divorce and subsequent changes.  

I realized all was okay and came to understand our parents did their best.  THEIR best.  Not what we thought they should have done.  Not everyone can appreciate the bonds of blood and family.  Not everyone can appreciate their work mates or neighbors.  BUT, what I can say unequivocally is I recognize all relationships cannot withstand the test of time or seasons.  I realized I can form a relationship and revisit that relationship in 8 or 10 years and pick up where we left off.  I can form a relationship and a simple phrase or word can destroy decades of friendships.  Relationships are like seasons.  They evolve and come back again in time.  Some relationships die in the extremes and some plant seeds which grow into eternity with the right nutrients and circumstances.  

It is a time of year for rejoicing.  A time to remember.  And, a time to look forward to a new year-a new day.  A fresh start to embrace the upcoming seasons.  A world of new ideas and establishing traditions.  New seasons of change and the seasons of memories and the realization:  not all relationships can withstand the test of time.  They don't have to.

EVALUATE - LEARN FROM YOUR EXPERIENCES

 This is an ongoing one that just does not go away-EVER!   Learning is a process that continues through the lifespan.  I once thought it would stop after I graduated from high school-HA!  No more school, no more text books, or stupid tests.  As an adult it took me quite sometime to really understand the concept of learning.  Learning is not just from texts or from an instructor or teacher.  One of the things I recognized is just how much you learn from observation, doing, and listening to others.

AND, I realized I had not acquired the skills of learning.  No one told me I had to learn to learn.  My particular style of learning is not just reading or listening.  It also includes doing and seeing-observation if you will.  I also came to understand the importance of reading particular topics.  Mostly, I realized I had to recollect my experiences, extrapolate ideas and concepts from them, and decide how I would venture forward with personal, business, and family.  Sometimes, I made repeated mistakes and other times I know the price to pay for a mistake could be critical and careful attention is needed.  

Experience is not something learned in a textbook.  Experience can be forgotten.  Experiences are what enlightens our life, gives us the essence of who we are, and adds to our toolbox of knowledge to make us better as humans.  I took time this week to reflect on my lengthy travel.  At first, I felt as though I had not done very much at all.  I wrote all the things I had accomplished.  The people I met and the purpose for the meetings.  I did a lot more than I realized.  Interestingly enough, I came to the conclusion I could have not accomplished so much WITHOUT experiences from my corporate life.  My success in both my WOW-Women Optimizing Women business and my first novel-Aruba Vacation with Aruba Joe (purchases:  Lulu.com), and being able to create my first website (Barbararingrose.com) are primarily due to the sales, marketing, and extensive educational experiences I have done.

I was able to evaluate my most recent accomplishments, tweak those that needed my attention, and know that they will continue to grow and change.  This learning from experience is non-negotiable and is deep within.  It comes from years of growth and I look forward to so much more.

GIVING UP YOUR POWER

Someone controlling your life requires a major component:   YOU.  To give up YOUR power.  Control means the power to influence or direct peoples behavior or events.  Thinking about this particular topic brings forth a lot of mental images and thoughts too numerous to list.  However, I will focus on the primary topic of giving up your power on a personal level as this is one I feel will have the greatest impact.  You may or may not be able to relate on this level to the extent I once endured.  This may require the extrapolation of your empathy from other hardship experiences or those of others.  Perhaps you had a boss that wanted to force you out of your job or a co-worker that wanted you fired.  Extreme examples would be experiencing the brutal force of someone deliberately trying to push you to the brink of suicide or taking flight to avoid death.  These situations often involve a 'conquer and divide' process which, alienates the victim from family and friends-the support system.  This topic to be covered in another blog.

Giving up your power to the extreme scenario of death is probably something most of us will never experience.  A relationship doesn't start off that way.  He was extremely generous with sending red roses, wining and dining me, taking me on weekend jaunts to Atlantic City, and encouraging me to have a family.  When we met, I did not want children.  I was burdened with taking care of my two younger siblings growing up.  I wanted my freedom.  Alas, he was just that convincing-note:  the 'con'.  Con is a prefix meaning 'with' from Latin.    I would eventually find out he was a 'con-artist'.  I wasn't his only victim.  Others, mainly those close to him, would learn this about him as well.  He had the ability to get you to believe the most bizarre situations.  He had me convinced I could do things I never dreamed of.  Some of those weren't necessarily bad.  He had a way of building my confidence.  Then later, tearing me apart.  He would make me change my mind about having children.   However, the latter I would live to appreciate deeply.  I would never have known deep, true love and sacrifice otherwise.

One day, I looked into the mirror and saw a thin woman.  She had lost at least 30 pounds in a matter of a month.  I realized  I was NOT going to give in to him any more.  On the flip side, his determination of destruction grew.  I  suffered a great deal from the emotional and psychological trauma from his constant onslaught of vicious attacks-all verbal.  Once, he tried to force me off the road at 55 mph.  That was another time I knew I had to pull a strength from within-one I had no knowledge of its existence.  I made it to my destination-shaken and head pounding.  I realized I had just missed an opportunity to meet my maker.  I was not ready for that yet.  My higher power knew.  He gave me that strength.

Interestingly enough, I was attending college and took a course in abnormal psychology. I was given and read a book "The Sociopath Next Door".  I realized I was NOT powerless.   I needed to control my life.  I had both purpose and meaning although he said, while in front of our marriage counselor with a slight hand slap to my head, I was 'not worth a nickel'.  Once he circled me in the kitchen like a predator around a fawn while spewing insults and saying disgusting things toward me. 

I took everything in.  I hurt deeply.  My family abandoned me. Friends were afraid of his wrath and would not visit.  He was good at conquering and dividing us.  Two residential moves later, I realized I was not different than Dorothy.  I only had to click my ruby slippers three times, close my eyes, and repeatedly say "I will not give him my power".  Many times over I found myself thinking about how I had given him the power.  I had handed it to him.  I hadn't fought back.  I lost that somewhere.  He was mean and cruel and hurtful.  His core was broken-not mine.  He was weak-not I.   I had 3 beautiful children to raise.  I realized I was quite valuable and had so much to live for.

There are choices to be made; to remain a victim or become victorious.  To win-to lose.  To strive for better every day.  To slump into the world of anti-depressants or alcohol or worse.  In time, I reversed the automatic negative mindset to one of beauty, success, power, resilience, dedication, devotion, love and intelligence.  It was simply one step at a time-one minute-one day at a time.  Get your power back.  Make the most of you.  Dig deep into your core to pull your strengths from the the depth of your being.  Smile.  We will all notice how proud and confident you are.  

SEEK OTHERS FOR STRENGTH

 We get rather cozy and soft in our areas of familiarity.  Our home, our workplace, the people in our lives.  How do you feel about where you are?  Are you looking to expand?  Meet new people?  Rise to new challenges?  Do the people around you tend to inspire you or bring you down?  Is there a level of frustration you want to overcome and just can't seem to get a firm footing?  Maybe you are feeling you need a bit 'more' such as in the duet with Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper's 'A Star is Born'  -'Do you need more?  Is this something you are searching for?'

If you want to go to a new level, there are plenty of people willing to help you and get to know you.  Interestingly enough, you will also find people are eager to help with gusto.  Step up to the plate and find others in higher positions, engage in more activities, in a higher income bracket, with a higher level of education/experience, someone older/younger, or others willing to mentor you-become a protege.  The ways to meet people both virtually or in person is endless.  Over the past couple of years we've learned about podcasts, conference calls, video calling, and tutorials online.  Even chat groups and self-help tools with instructions.  Stay connected with your target group or individuals.  Keep in mind introductions and referrals are both good for you and the other party.  Don't be shy.  Ask.  Most of us have had similar experiences and I suspect many more will follow in the future.  

People of success enjoy having others seek them out.  That is what they have built themselves on.  A ladder of rungs to reach higher levels and establish additional relationships and revenue.  As your connections grow, your accomplishments become deeper, richer, stronger.  Your confidence improves.  Say what?  You are afraid of public speaking or meeting strangers?  Congratulations!  You are in the company of many.  Experienced public speakers and celebrities have also faced stage fright.  This is a human function of your fight or flight mechanism.  A sensation or urging wells up inside and you feel your legs a bit sluggish.  Your heart races.  You look around and capture the faces of strangers looking in your direction.   It happens.   

Feeling like you don't know how to engage?  Start with a local group, friend, or business associate.  Someone you know and have something in common with.  A person to make the introduction for you.  The taller your ladder grows, the strength and support beneath you grows as well.  I used to get my mind prepared when I left my office or sat in my car perusing the parking lot before going into an office/venue.  I had to pump myself up.  Take in a breath.  Close my eyes.  Tilt my head slightly back and remind myself to breathe.  It was not easy.  There were a few times I drove away.  Got back to my office and sent an email stating I had a personal issue and would need to reschedule.  Yes, I did.

I hated this about myself.  I was better than that.  I wanted to be strong.  'The next time', I thought.  And, thankfully, there was a next time and so many opportunities to meet new people.  Amazing stories flourished of accomplishments within my groups.    Stories of success and 'how to's', links to websites, sharing business cards to schedule future meetings, and the opportunity to learn about the many people and what they did in my community.  There were ample fundraising activities and Chamber events.  I learned to establish trust with those in the community.  I definitely needed more!  I wanted more.  I was longing for strength through change.  

I began doing the right things.  Keeping my commitments.  Saving those business cards.  Showing up and engaging with others.  Building rapport.  Earning trust from those I worked with.  Focusing on listening and trying my best to remember all the wonderful people I spoke with and met; their individual stories.  I am glad to be a part of an amazing community in Westminster, MD in a county of so many riches-not just those a bean counter would tally.  Businesses, wonderful people, and volunteers keep the first rung of the ladder embedded securely in the community of relationships we share!

Lady Gaga, Andrew Wyatt, Anthony Rossomando and Mark Ronson. "Shallow". A Star is Born: Interscope Records, 2018. Soundtrack.DVD