Grieving a loss is one of those human experiences one cannot plan for. You cannot schedule it. You don't know when the time will come to begin the process. It is an animalistic behavior even our pets feel. Emotion. That raw human emotion you feel when someone passes or leaves you in either a physical departure at the office or one by death. No matter how close you may be to someone, the exchange of mental images and emotional feelings into a physical realm of despair, sadness, anger from the separation, hurt, and anxiety is undeniable. The timing element is one that no one has the ability to determine.
No one prepares us for death. My parents tried when I was a young girl. They took me to the funeral home of an older gentleman who lived down the street. Mr. Strauss. They never explained anything about what was going on. They wanted me to touch him. I did not. It wasn't scary necessarily but, odd to see him lay there. After the funeral, I cannot recall any dialogue about Mr. Strauss.
I have had more losses in my lifetime than most. There are a variety of reasons for their passing. Some in my early adult years of best friends then my grandmother. I still miss and think about them having fond memories of the things we did, the places we went, and the many holidays we celebrated together. I especially remember the laughs and silly things we did together. My grief over these deaths was mainly because I wasn't there when they passed and it was somewhat short-lived. Although, my one friend baffled me as to why she died so young. AIDS, cancer, too many abortions, or drugs. She was so young to die at 27 with so many possibilities.
Present day, I have lost dogs and cats, 4 of my siblings, both parents, aunts and uncles, ex-husbands, boyfriend, and most recently my 32-year-old son. I don't recall grieving any of them until I lost my son. I attended funerals, planned my mother's and sister's funerals, and had a grand attendance at both even though these two ladies rejected me for much of my adult life. I had reconnected with them about 12 years prior to their passing on my terms. My sister, eldest brother, and mother passed within 6 months of one another. My son....well, I had a special relationship with him. Perhaps more than some mothers. We talked business all the time and he was of great help to me. He spoke with me about his mental illness. We could talk for 3 hours on a Sunday morning. He was handsome, liked to entertain others with his humor, and was very regimented in his routine. He loved pinball-I found out so much about him from his friends soon after his passing. We were in a group text for years with his sisters and communicated almost daily. They all intrigue me and are much more intelligent than I was at their age.
I knew my son was at high risk of passing prematurely-just not so soon in life. Manic depressives usually pass in their early 60's. I guess they just get worn out. It is a debilitating struggle with limited support and understanding. We had discussed his suicide over eleven years ago. The impact of hearing of his passing from my daughter was extreme and powerful. It's been a little over 6 weeks now. The first 4 weeks after his passing were intense and he was on my mind every second of each day. My love for him is stronger than I ever knew I possessed. It's been My grief; I know it is good to grieve. I also know I will probably continue for a long time although the hurt isn't like it was. I am in counseling with my son's counselor. I have great support from my husband, daughters, family, friends and community. All of us are blessed. My son's funeral was one of the largest our community has seen. He and his family are much loved. It was more like a celebration of life than a funeral. I am eternally grateful for my son, the 32 years God gave us to love him and find comfort knowing he is still with me.
